I love a good cautionary tale, where you get to hear how someone else messed up their life in the name of you avoiding repeating their mistake. I hesitate to write this like I do all things where I have to go back on a design decision, but it has come up a lot with my friends recently, and a warning to you all felt necessary. So here is your dose of “blogger Schadenfreude” for the month – If my failures make you happy then today is your day. I feel pretty dumb, but all design failures are great lessons to learn, risks are taken, and therefore pitfalls are constant. You see my wonderful daughter who I honestly can’t say enough good things about now “strongly dislikes” her wallpaper (she knows not to say hate, but that’s the sentiment). Her room is so freaking cute and she will absolutely admit it, but to her, it feels like a little girl’s room. And she is 9 1/2 – NOT a little girl anymore. So let’s back up and go step by step on how we got here:

2020 – We finally got into escrow on our home and we were so excited. We lived in lockdown at the mountain house which is famously neutral. “why doesn’t our house have any color” was the consistently taunting question.

2021 – We moved up to Portland and while renting a house nearby I started designing their rooms – desperate to start doing the fun stuff (and to avoid thinking about the daunting renovation that felt neverending at the time). Elliot LOVES design, color, and pattern – she wanted to be very involved and boy was it fun to do it with her. I know we shouldn’t label our children but this girl is extremely enthusiastic and easily excited about all the things (likely a 7 enneagram like her mother, although she has STRONG 3 tendencies – also like her mother). She wanted to be a huge part of the process and honestly, it was just so fun for me – zero regrets on how I went about it, by the way. She is so hard to say no to. We went on Pinterest together and most of what she loved was a hard no for me (unicorns, fairies, etc – both of which I like but I knew she would regret those as wallpaper) but what I gleaned from her is that she wanted color and pattern – AND SO DID I!!! But as she aptly puts it now, “I was six, Mom. Who lets a 6-year-old make a long-term decision?”. LOL (She’s 9 1/2 now).

We decided on this awesome butterfly wallpaper by Schumacher which I honestly thought had more negative space, but regardless it is indeed fun as heck. While it was busier than I could handle in my own bedroom she loved it and we designed the room around it. We didn’t use temporary wallpaper or pre-pasted and I’m not even sure if the wallpaper installer primed it beforehand (which would make it easier to remove). That’s all to say this paper isn’t permanent, but it’s not easy to take down either.

2022-2024 – She loved her room – I mean, it’s incredibly cute. I won’t claim that she knew how lucky she was to have her mom be a designer who creates this as her job (she’s a kid, it’s not her job to instinctively know how the world is run and how privileged she is). But I do know that she loved it… for a while and felt really thankful. She showed it off to her friends proudly and we gushed together about how fun it was and how it represented so perfectly her personality.

2024 – Now. Well, she grew up. Starting about a year ago (so like a year after it was done) she got it in her head that the wallpaper is for little girls and no one wants to be older, bigger, or more teenager-y than an 8-year-old girl. It started small and not bratty at all, just comments like “When will I be able to redo my room?” and I didn’t shame her for those comments, I want her to express what she wants, but I also didn’t comply. While I was of course annoyed with an internal “WTF??”, I realized quickly that the annoyance was with my past naive self, not her.

It’s My Fault…I Know!!

So let me be very clear, the culprit here is ME, not her. She is a sweet pre-tween who wants her room to have the flexibility to grow with her changing styles. I was the mom that wanted to put hot pink butterflies on my 6-year-old’s walls without playing out the long game. It’s totally normal to reject the “little girl” style as you are trying to find your own voice and independence into the tween years. DOH.

What Does She Want To Change It To?

Purple. Chartreuse. Lavender. It changes daily and with passion. She currently HATES hot pink, but I think that’s because her cousin currently hates it. She also is “over” Taylor Swift in favor of Olivia Rodrigo, which she will likely be over soon. Now you might have a kid that doesn’t care about design/style in which case you might be able to take a big design swing and they won’t want to change it ever. But I think because of my job, my kids actually want their rooms to look like them, they care about style. Their brains are rapidly growing, therefore their personalities are developing daily, which means their personal style is shifting at warp speed. These tween years are wild (I love them so much) because they still sleep with stuffies and yet fight me about not letting them be YouTube Stars (nope). She’s begging for crop tops and to wear heels and makeup, claiming she’s “almost a grownup” and I have to actively shut my mouth to not blurt out “Girl, you don’t like vegetables yet”. She’s just being exactly the age that she should be, stretching and pushing and doing it totally respectfully by the way. I LOVE watching them right now become their whole own person. (If you don’t follow Lisa Damour you HAVE TO – she is the best teen psychologist on the internet and loves celebrating all things teen and is FULL of incredible mantras and advice).

Kids are meant to grow, change, push back, seek their own identity away from their parents…Which is why I feel badly about my mistake – I should have never made a big semi-permanent style decision in her room when she was 7, even if she did want it. I locked her in to hot pink butterflies and cute or not, they don’t feel like her anymore.

What Should I Have Done Instead?

Just painted it a relatively neutral color or white and let her decorate it however she wanted it. It’s what I did for her cousins’ bedroom (seen here) which I think is the right move. furniture that can grow with them, but enough negative space for them to show off their personality – nothing stylistically permanent. The rooms that they love on TV are full of posters, polaroids, and SO MUCH CLUTTER – these little relics they collect that provoke emotion and start to build their identity. So by putting a busy pattern on her wall, with butterflies, and in bright colors she feels locked in and she’s not wrong. She still puts posters all over it and rearranges everything all the time to look a bit “cooler”. I love that she cares and that she feels empowered to have a personal style and to voice it. I just wish I hadn’t locked her in so much.

So What Are We Going To Do? Change it?

Nothing for now. I mostly deflect (it comes up a lot) but when pushed I say that when she is 13 we can revisit the conversation (which will be 6 years from install – she does NOT like this answer as it feels like 50 years away). When REALLY pushed I’ve told her she can save her money to take it down and paint, but we both know that’s dumb and unfair. This was my fault, not hers and I am the one that needed to be taught a lesson that she gets to witness. Now don’t hold me to the 13-year-old thing, who knows, but as of now, it’s not changing anytime soon. She also recently mentioned wanting to move into the guest room when she’s a teen so she can have her own bathroom because “Mama, a boy and a girl teenager can NOT share a bathroom” which is 100% not true (but with two bathrooms up there she’s also not wrong to conclude they might each have their own space at some point). If she moves into the guest bedroom then we could keep this one as a really whimsical guest room or maybe by then I’ll let myself off the hook and peel it off. But for now, we aren’t doing anything about it. It feels far too wasteful to only have it for soon to be 3 years especially when I should be a far better example on the internet. I have to live with my mistake (it’s also so cute still so it’s not as painful for me:))

Lesson Learned…

But what I won’t do again and what I urge you not to do is lock your kid into a very specific style especially when they are entering their tween years. I actually think her first or second nursery (both light tree murals hilariously) had more longevity than this one, so I really did make an egregious choice. I love the energy of this wallpaper but it’s a lot, it’s everywhere and it does skew younger (especially if you do NOT want to be little anymore). I think some patterns and colors have more age/style flexibility so if you are inclined you could probably still go for it. And I think changing a room is not abnormal, especially for those of us who really enjoy doing it with our kids. But giving them room, space, and time to find and change their style in their one and only personal space is really important to them and I kinda blew that one.

With Charlie (my 11-year-old boy), he LOVES his room as-is (neon lights, skateboard lamp, posters, a big round chair) so until he wants to shift or asks for my help I won’t be investing time/energy/money into it (I think he’s afraid I’m going to make it too girly which I get, LOL). Every now and again he says “I want a hammock in my room” where I say “Ooh that would be cool” but I’m making no such moves for a while.

Had I not wallpapered her room, Elliot, my bright, happy, extremely fun to be around 9-year-old would have decorated the hell out of those walls, peppering joy everywhere in there with or without me. It wouldn’t look as well designed, balanced, etc, but it would have allowed her to experiment and have more fun in the only space she owned. I got caught up in our collective enthusiasm for color/pattern which is dangerous when I’m the one that is supposed to be the reasonable adult with a fully formed brain. So when she says with a smile “Mama, did you really let a 6-year-old make such a big decision…aren’t you the grownup?” I can’t help but laugh. She’s totally right.

The Moral Of The Story

While most of you probably wouldn’t do this in the first place, but just paint the room a simple color. Make some style choices with lighting, rugs, curtains and bedding – all things that are easier to move to another room or store should they tire of it. But don’t lock them in while their personalities are changing so rapidly.

Also…stencils and wall stickers FTW. Paint a stripe or a scallop – there are so many either really temporary or more timeless choices out there:)

Opening Image Credits: Design by Emily and Elliot Henderson (and ARCIFORM) | Photo by Kaitlin Green | From: Birdie’s Bedroom Reveal!! Designing WITH (Not For) Your Kids, And How We Exploded This Room With Color

We had a real fantasy vision of our “farm” life when we found this property. “A Mini Farm!” we screamed and then we happily put on our blinders regarding all the day-to-day realities. I suppose that’s the job of the fantasy – it calls you to move swiftly with fierce excitement, knowing that you’ll cross/jump off the next bridge when you get to it. We watched The Biggest Little Farm no less than eight times as a family both before and during lockdown. We romanticized having a “mini-farm” like only two stifled city slickers could. In my “farm fantasy,” miniature goats would greet guests as they got out of their car – startling them at first, befriending them by the end of the weekend. In my fantasy, we’d be chasing rascal-y chickens back into the coop, with the naughty one always being a punk. We’d tuck in our “rag-tag group of misfits” – an alpaca, a mini-donkey, and a goat all snuggled together at night, and the kids would feed them every morning before they walk to school, and spend the weekend cleaning the stalls. And due to our excellent farm lifestyle and routines, our kids, who are far more privileged than Brian nor I ever were, would remain grounded, un-entitled, and become generous citizens in the world. Years of tending to our livestock, harvesting crops, and most importantly picking up loads and loads of shit on the daily would solve my biggest parenting fear. It writes itself! We need animals to snuggle with and shit to pick up!!

Wait, So Why Do You Really Want “Farm Pets”?

We have no plans of making this a business with their fur, milk, cheese, eggs or to breed them and sell off the babies. The real and only reason we want farm pets is that we really enjoy and love animals so much and we want more of them to take care of and snuggle with. We love our pups, including the multiple walks they require most days, so much. We were obsessed with our cats when we had them. We know that the right animals will bring us a lot of joy and hopefully vice versa. We aren’t doing it for optics or because we think it’s quirky and cool. We simply think it will be a lot of fun and we have a lot of love to give to animals. This is why making sure they are good “pets” is important to us (and very different than what is a typical good “livestock”). I’m admittedly not one of those people who want to take care of any animal off the street. While I wish I were, I’m not Kristen Bell, willing to take on any animal’s problems. I think it’s important to know who we really are going into this process. We want pets to love and take care of but know our bandwidth.

The Reality…

It’s wet and rainy for seven months of the year. Poop smells gross and can create parasites that make the animals sick if you don’t clean it up quickly. Parasites mean shots and vaccines that we have to implement. Fur needs to get sheared, toenails need to get clipped. We aren’t actual idiots and we know that owning animals is very different than petting them at a farm. So, is this the best idea? And if so which ones?

Before You Can Weigh In, You Need Some Facts:

1. We both work/write from home and our schedules are pretty manageable most weeks. We’ve retained much of the slowness from lockdown, we are serious homebodies, and most of the kid’s activities are in the neighborhood. So the idea of tending to the animals and garden still sounds like what I want to be doing. In short – we have the time/desire.
2. Brian wants to take the lead on all things animals, and he’s really driving this circus train. If he weren’t I would give it at least another year here to make sure we can handle it so I don’t overcommit myself. But his level of enthusiasm is off the charts, and in general, if Brian wants to do something, he does it really, really well.
3. We have a feed barn and enclosed paddock which is about 1/4 of an acre. We are all set!! Right???

The Paddock & The Barn

So as you can see we actually are kinda set up – there is a fully enclosed paddock that has tons of grass/growth and shade. It’s not huge, but it’s big! And it’s not like we need it for any other purpose. So it is just sitting there.

The barn has two sides – one side has stalls, and the other is our kid’s current clubhouse for the summer (but at any point if we need it for animals we’ll do that).

Brian And I Were Both Raised With Farm Animals

This whole “want to have farm animals” started in our youth. Brian’s parents have a ranch-style home with a barn and a pasture in a horse community. It’s where he grew up, they still live, and where we got married. It’s incredible. He never owned a horse, but there are horses all over the neighborhood and often people would keep their horses in their pasture. I grew up in the woods of Coastal Oregon with a goat for blackberry upkeep and a lamb/sheep. The lamb was won by my oldest sister during a 4-H lamb scramble (uh, are we still doing that?) and we got to “keep” it. Yay us (not). My older brother put me on the sheep, trying to make me ride it which it did not appreciate. So for the rest of the summer, it would knock me down every time I stepped outside. I very much do not care for sheep to this day. My family also has a ranch in Wyoming and they are bonafide cowboys (NOT farmers, huge difference). So growing up we would go visit frequently and there they have all the animals (but for a real purpose, not for fun like us).

WHAT DO WE CHOOSE??????

So today imma walk you through our deductive thought process. It’s riddled with naivete and privilege, but that’s to be expected when you buy a “farmette” or a “gentleman’s farm”. I also want to make sure it’s understood that we know that for many people this is a livelihood full of unbelievably hard work and I don’t want to diminish that by acting like it’s just a fun hobby that we can easily do. We know it’s work which is why we are taking our time and researching to figure out what makes sense for our family and this property. We know this won’t be easy or natural to us, but we are hoping it will help our family grow in ways (just like our pups did) and create lots of moments of joy for our kids and our neighborhood,

Chickens???? Everyone Has Chickens!!

The obvious first choice is chickens. The Pandemic Poultry Pet! Of course, we’d love fresh eggs and chickens are funny and unthreatening to kids (plus they put themselves to bed at sunset which seems mindblowing). But the more we research we have decided to take a pause on chickens for now for the following reasons:

1. Rats – I guess our neighborhood in particular has a lot of chicken coops and a lot of rat problems. We lived in New York for 10 years. We dealt with rats in our apartment every day. So to make sure you don’t get rats you need to pour a cement pad (or so we’ve been told) and that’s a level of commitment that we aren’t close to yet.
2. Chicken poop is a real thing – It smells, has to be cleaned up frequently, and can cause diseases. We fear that this might be too much for us. We are idealists, but we also know our weaknesses.
3. The main reason we wanted chicken is for the daily eggs, but in Oregon, there are so many farms that we can buy locally from with the best eggs ever so maybe our dollar is better spent supporting real farmers who make this their livelihood.
4. Coyotes – We have a few large guys that visit the property in search of bunnies, so we’d have to really enclose and protect those chickens which again means a financial infrastructure that we aren’t ready to commit to.

It’s not a forever “no,” but currently we aren’t going to get chickens (please convince us either way in the comments).

Goats! Miniature, Pygmie, And Miniature Pygmie

Try not to buy a baby goat after going to a baby goat birthday party at a baby goat farm. Side note: Baby goat parties are Oregon’s version of LA parties where actors come in different character costumes (Frozen, Star Wars, pirates, superheroes, you name it). It’s funny how different states have different birthday party industries. In short, baby goats are so cute but they grow up to be big goats and I’m not sure we love big goats as much as we need to. Nothing is off the table (ha, goat/dad pun), but Brian and I aren’t currently leaning into goats for whatever reason (ok fine, some of them creep me out with the whole square white eyes thing and often their butts have a lot of grossness in them). Again, while I realize how pretentious this all sounds I think being honest with what you love/want/need and can handle is really important before you commit to taking care of another being. We don’t take this responsibility lightly so we have to feel really, really good about it.

Miniature Cows? Not So Miniature!!

There is a lot of misinformation out there in the miniature cow world. Y’all. These cows are not small. All the ones on social are miniature cow CALVES, babies. We just visited a farm outside Bend where we saw a few of their “miniature” cows which come up to my ribs and are 1000lbs. Sure, they are shorter than normal-sized cows, but they are so wide and still kinda terrifying! The one on the left above is a TWO-DAY-OLD BABY CALF. We even called about some miniature highland cows because the PR and marketing around them are so convincing, but the farm we called boasted that some were $45k each. FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I don’t doubt that these are the best in the world and maybe the owner saw my IG handle and thought that we were up for that investment, but I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough (mostly because I didn’t want to waste his time). Also with the rain, the highland cows with long hair aren’t the best idea. Still open to the idea, but we haven’t found a farm that had mini cows that felt the right fit for us.

Horses? Who Doesn’t Love Horses?

We all LOVE the idea of horses but we know they are a huge responsibility and we don’t think we are ready for that. I also got bucked off by a Shetland pony when I was nine so I still have a decent amount of fear around them. It’s actually been (hopefully) a great lesson to the kids because they know I’m a little scared but I keep getting back on them and they always celebrate me when I do 🙂 If someone needed a place to keep their aging horse we would totally be open to that, but for now, we aren’t pursuing adopting a horse.

PIGS! Do We Need KuneKune Pigs??

A few weeks ago we met this KuneKune pig and fell in LOVE. It was so funny, cute, and made us laugh a lot. All of us immediately responded to it so positively. This pig was in Bend and didn’t have any babies, so the following weekend we went to a breeder outside Portland. We loved the piglets, but we want to buy them from a breeder that has them socialized with humans from an early age. These piglets were very terrified of us because they were kept in a pen and while they might warm up to us, what we’ve read is that some are exposed to more animals/humans early on and therefore attach to them easier. We don’t want to have to chase around squealing piglets all day, but boy do we want some of these:

We were told that they also like being in at least pairs so if we were to adopt some KuneKunes we would adopt at least two. And then we’d stop eating Pork (yes, even bacon) forever. We’ve already talked to the kids about it and they have agreed.

Are Alpacas The Move??

Our love for Alpacas is unwavering. They are really funny animals that seem to have big personalities. We have been to 7-8 alpaca farms now and feel pretty darn confident that we want to adopt some. We have been recommended to adopt two lady alpacas, one pregnant so that we can help raise a baby and then have three. We like the short curly hair versus the long hair (mostly because of the rain) and since we aren’t interested in breeding, people say that ladies are better pets. Alpacas poop in a pile (all of them! in the same pile!) so it’s easy to clean up. The poop is also worth a lot of money to cannabis dealers which is interesting since we live in Oregon (they call it “Liquid Gold” for fertilizer). I’m sure there are one million things about alpacas that we don’t know and yet we feel ready for it and excited. The biggest challenge is that some of the farms we went to said that domesticated dogs are the biggest problem/enemy and that the dogs can attack them and vice versa. So thus the hog wire on the split rail fence to make sure that they stay separate. Our other big fear would be that our dogs would never stop barking at them every time they went outside.

So that’s where we are at – three alpacas and two pigs. I know it seems so random and maybe it is, but based on our in-person research these are the animals that all of us connect to the most and can’t WAIT to adopt. We would honestly LOVE any and all insight, good and bad. We know we are naive (it’s impossible to not be naive in this situation) so we want all the info to help. I’ll read every posted comment for the day I promise!!!!!! And thank you 🙂

I was laying in bed on a recent rainy night, watching Love is Blind (so good), the fireplace on low as I clicked in to enjoy Orlando’s new highly personal and enjoyable sub-stack, The Lost Arrow (have you subscribed to it yet?). It was a rather hilarious rant about his #1 design pet peeve. I laughed a lot (because he is a funny and relatable writer) even while he was pointedly talking shit about my very own family room and bedroom. No, he wasn’t saying “Emily Henderson’s fireplace is the worst,” of course not, but he HATES TVs over fireplaces and makes a damning case against them. And you know what I hate? When I’m told I should NEVER do something when it comes to design. OOH that gets me riled up because how we use our home is 100% up to us, for our own pleasure and enjoyment (and usually comes with certain limitations). That’s why I am here to make a case against his extreme rule against a very thing that I enjoy. I thought it would be fun to cross-examine and make a case, not necessarily for TVs over fireplaces, but just in defense of them and talk about when/why and how to do it right (he’ll disagree with the notion that it’s ever right, but I have some pretty solid ideas). Let’s dance:)

Listen, I agree with him that in a perfect world, you don’t have a TV over a fireplace because you have a separate TV room, but even in that TV room you might also want or already have a fireplace. The court should note that both scenarios are obviously privileged. We decided to forego a TV in our current living room because I preferred art over TV, but mostly because we didn’t need it in here because we have a separate room right next to it, dedicated to TV. But what if we didn’t? Would putting a TV over the fireplace be so bad? NO! Would putting the TV on the wall next to the fireplace be better? In my opinion, no, it would look like a rectangle next to a chunky rectangle and maybe look even dumber.

My analysis of his hatred for TVs over fireplaces is that A. He isn’t a huge TV person (maybe?), B. He doesn’t have a fireplace in his living room or he has always had an easy layout for this situation, C. He doesn’t currently have kids, therefore has specific views about the design of a home that might not be as livable to many of us who have foregone some design pleasantries in the name of practicality and livability, and D. He lives (mostly) in Southern California where fireplaces aren’t as much of a mood and heat necessity as they are in areas where its cold and dark in the winter. What I found fascinating about his piece (again, you have to read it here) was that he likened a TV over the fireplace to stainless steel appliances and granite countertops – a sort of wealth signifier selling point that was built into many new builds or McManions during a certain period. These things are essentially examples that these houses are high-end enough to have a flat-screen TV (which for a while were so expensive, but now not at all). I think he’s right about that, which made me like my TV over my fireplace less, but I’m not here to agree with my friend/opposing counsel, I’m here to defend the TV over the fireplace.

So when and why is a TV over a fireplace ok? Can you do it where it doesn’t look dumb?

Reason #1: When You Don’t Have Any Other Choice And You Really Want To Watch TV In This Room

I’m a big proponent of enjoying how you live in your home first, and the design of the home should support that enjoyment. Do I want you to buy huge reclining sofas? Hmm, honestly, I don’t really care because that’s your choice. I’m not going to make that choice because there are great options that are almost as comfortable that might not look so overwhelming, but I also admit that sitting on a La-Z-Boy sofa can be wonderful so you do you! I lean so far into comfort and practicality that a lot of my former design pet peeves have been thrown out years ago (Covid also confirmed my need for comfort and practicality). I think design directives like this are good to have, but USING your home for your own enjoyment should be your #1 priority. I say this while knowing that I have some furniture that is better to look at than to sit on, so I’m not a shining example of this either (although in defense of myself, I wouldn’t buy those pieces now, they are a hold over from years ago when I didn’t prioritize comfort/practicality over style). Does every piece of furniture need to be the most comfortable? Nope. In some rooms, you don’t need that level of comfort and some beautiful pieces are worth having because they shift the whole context of the room in a good way. So I’m not saying that we should all live in La-Z-Boys in every room, but if the room doesn’t meet the purpose of you being in it because you’ve opted against something practical, then that’s a problem to me. In fact, I’ve been known to actually say to friends who don’t use their living room EVER, “are you sure you don’t want a TV in here?” because not using a room for fear of it not looking good with a TV in it is the bigger crime (again, especially because of nice looking art TVs like The Frame). Do I think that Orlando is being a little snobby? Of course, and so am I about a lot of things. Maybe calling us “picky” is what we’d prefer:) It’s the job of design influencers to help guide us to great choices so that we love our home more, and his vehemence against the TV over the fireplace is a noble one. I just fear that it’s not always an option unless you sacrifice your comfort, practicality, and livability. It’s YOUR HOME, you do whatever you want in it in order to love it and have it serve YOUR purposes.

The prosecutor/plaintiff, Orlando admits that it can be challenging to find a non-TV over fireplace layout that makes sense and he offers for readers to send him photos of their room and he’ll re-lay it out for them, ensuring that he can find a way to not have the TV above the fireplace. I’d personally love to see how he does that because in my experience, splitting the focal points can make a room feel chaotic and inevitably someone, multiple people actually, end up having a bad viewing seat. Obviously, some rooms are totally set up to do this naturally, but many are just not. I think that having it above the TV (listen, if I’m being honest I’m talking about Frame TVs) looks totally fine if you can put on a nice piece of art when not in use. Would I rather have actual art? Of course, but again, it’s about enjoying your own home and having it meet your needs.

Reason #2: When It Can Be Low Enough Not To Hurt Your Neck

Admittedly they can be too high in some houses, we all know this. At the mountain house, in our family room, ours was higher than I wanted. This is usually due to firebox sizes and clearances. I wish there were more that were low and wide that weren’t so contemporary looking (I don’t mind some linear ones, but I don’t love that they are usually just rocks instead of faux logs). So in order for the fireplace box to be scaled right for the room they are usually kinda big, and then when you had the usual 12″ clearance above it and add a mantel, your TV can be pretty darn high. But I have found that if your sofa is deep enough to lounge in, it’s totally fine. A shallow sofa can be a problem if you are forced to sit upright, but if you can lean back then your neck can be salvaged.

Reason #3: A High TV Over A Fireplace In A Bedroom Is Actually A Good Thing

We knew that we would want two TV options in our home – one for kids and one for us, especially when having people over. During lockdown at the mountain house, we only had one TV and often had to set the kids up in their room with the laptop if we wanted to watch something less appropriate – which was fine because they were 4 and 6, but we wanted to make sure that for this house we had two options for those Saturday nights when Brian and I actually want to watch an R rated movie (we generally are so tired and go to bed right after them so unless we carve out adult TV time, we watch ZERO grown up shows/movies). So we put a TV over the fireplace in our bedroom and they can watch their garbage in the family room while we watch Severance. It should be noted that we’ve watched TV maybe 10 times in our bedroom since we moved in 6 months ago – so not a lot, but I’m still glad we have the option. We are both big readers (not being pretentious, I literally read romance novels) and rarely watch TV anyway post-lockdown so maybe we didn’t need it in here after all.

TVs in bedrooms are a whole other controversial debate which I’m not usually a huge fan of, but again because it’s a Frame, I don’t mind it. We thought long and hard about putting one in here and again only did it because we wanted to have two TV viewing options (we have since put one in our guest room because we accidentally bought one too big for our bedroom wall while we lived in the rental house – before the fireplace wall was even designed). So if we have a lot of kids over and want to shove them away they all climb on the guest bed.

Now, back to my case when you are lying down on a bed you need to make sure that you can see over your feet. So in a bedroom, you actually want your TV higher so you can watch while lying down. And, FURTHERMORE ORLANDO, there is nice simplicity of having both focal points on the same wall, allowing for symmetry next to it (something I LOVE in a bedroom).

Reason #4: I Don’t Like Split Focal Points, I Prefer Symmetry

If your room has the perfect layout then you can relax, and have your TV on a different wall than your fireplace, but most rooms do not. I personally don’t love when you have two competing focal points – and both square boxes. So in my mind, it actually looks better to have a Frame TV over your fireplace than to have it awkwardly floating on a different wall. Orlando uses the above example of how he’s done it, and this room is lucky because there is a blank wall right next to the fireplace so honestly it’s an easy choice, but what if there was a window there instead? Would a Frame TV above the fireplace look that different than the rectangular painting? No! It would look fine!

Reason #5: If You’ve Opted For Windows Instead Of Wall Space

This is the challenge we have faced every single time – where we have designed the house with the window and door plan, opting for more windows and negating the perfect wall place to have a TV and fireplace be separate. We have done this in our family room at the mountain house, our bedroom at the farm, and also in Ken/Katie’s future living room. We consciously made this choice of prioritizing windows and natural light OVER the ability to separate the TV and fireplace. Now, I will say that if you are building new or doing a complete remodel my favorite combination (should it be appropriate) is what we did in our current family/tv room – to put a stove-style fireplace NEXT to the TV, thus sharing the same focal wall, not being two big boxes next to each other and yet you can enjoy looking at both the same time. The reason we didn’t do this in Ken/Katie’s future living room is because the height/scale of the room is far too high/big for a small stove fireplace. We also wanted to be able to see the TV from the kitchen while cooking/hanging so it needs to be big and higher than Orlando would likely want it to be. When your sofa is back far enough, a higher TV is FINE.

So If We Want Both A TV And A Fireplace In The Same Room (And View Them At The Same Time) What Should We Do??

I’ve thought about this A LOT and I have some solid solutions. By the way, I know that many of you will make the case AGAINST having a fireplace at all, and it’s one that I want to agree with in theory, but long dark, wet, winters are hard enough to get through. A fireplace that creates ambiance, and heat, and helps your mood which is a wonderful thing. If you don’t want a fireplace, don’t have one. I literally don’t have a car because I don’t like driving (but unfortunately it is becoming extremely apparent that I do in fact need one which I’m bummed about) – we all have our things that we enjoy and enhance our lives while here on earth. There are many of us who appreciate fireplaces immensely for ambiance, heat, and a necessary winter mood boost. Do I think you need one in LA? Nope. But up here, it gets used a ton and enjoyed when it’s cold, wet, and dark. And of course, you are not allowed to put in wood ones in many states, so we opted for a direct-vent gas stove in our family room. I’m also very very excited to see how the electric fireplace technology advances (it’s getting better every year). But today we are not talking about the pros and cons of fireplaces. Instead, we are addressing IF you opt for a fireplace and TV how do you design it to look the best?

1. Put your TV over the fireplace, make it as low as possible, and go dark with the whole fireplace (should that make sense). The reason we did a brick fireplace in our bedroom was to paint it all one dark color and have the firebox and TV disappear more. It’s my personal preference that new gas fireplaces (which for the most part is your only option if you’re building new) look better on dark fireplaces because they are black metal and glass.
2. Design your TV/fireplace wall to have a shared focal point, but do a stove-style fireplace instead. Again, this is what we did here in our current TV room and it’s a GREAT combination IMHO. It is a shared focal wall but they are different shapes. The TV can be lower, making Orlando’s neck more comfortable should he come over to watch Love is Blind with you.
3. Put your TV over your fireplace, but design the fireplace to be less formal, i.e more appropriate for a TV. Even though we could have designed the mountain house family room to have fewer windows (we probably didn’t need any or both) and we could have done the stove-style fireplace + TV combination I spoke of above, I think that the plaster treatment lent itself easily to a casual family room. I think what bugs Orlando (and myself) is a super formal-looking fireplace surround and mantel with a big bulky TV on top. But again, if it’s a Frame TV I don’t think it’s a huge deal.

Ultimately I think my friend Orlando and I agree that there are certainly some less good ways to combine a TV and a fireplace, but just to say unequivocably that TVs over fireplaces are always terrible is what I found hilariously incorrect and deserving of this rebuttal.

I think what we’d both agree on is that in a perfect world, you’d have a separate TV room, where the TV is at eye level, sharing the focal wall with a fireplace that you use – like my friend’s basement that we designed last year. But if that is not your life/house, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK and there are ways to do it where you can continue to enjoy your own home, without feeling like you’ve committed a design crime. 🙂

**We’ll be trying out a new comment policy today, due to the fact that posts like this can be really controversial, with statements that someone might feel offended by, or one might want to attack those of us for even having a fireplace – something that we know to inherently not be great for the environment. So we’ll monitor comments and publish anything contributing to this conversation, and not publish anything that creates negativity, environmental evangelism, or frankly saying anything negative about my friend, Orlando. 🙂 If you don’t like him or me, simply don’t read 🙂

Opening Image Credits: Photo by Sara Ligorria-Tramp | From: Mountain House Reveal: How We Designed Our Super Kid-Friendly Family Room

I hadn’t been so excited about something in years. Picture how a massive superhero fan feels going to Comic-Con or a football fan going to the Super Bowl – I get a real dopamine rush from the idea of spending two days at a conference all about philosophy, sociology, psychology, science, and yes, self-improvement. It’s self-indulgent, of course, but I’ll take all the things when it comes to deepening spiritually, becoming a better leader/boss, a healthier lady, a better mom/wife, or even a more grounded public figure (ha). I’m into it all.  Brené Brown, Adam Grant, Dan Harris, Sam Harris, Armchair Expert, Dr. Becky, etc. It’s a hobby that fills me up, especially when I’m at my most drained. So today, if you are ready to choose curiosity over judgment keep reading and I’ll walk you through what exactly a “happiness conference” entails. Here we go… 

When I saw an advertisement for the In Pursuit to Happiness conference, put on by The Atlantic (my favorite magazine that I read cover to cover monthly), I immediately pitched it to Brian as a weekend away, at an awesome hotel, for “work”. He said yes, figuring that if nothing else he’d do research for the novel he’s writing and get likely alone time with me. In the middle of what was an already over-scheduled month what with my book coming out and the farmhouse renovation blowing up, I cleared my calendar so we could leave our kids and head off to Half Moon Bay for the Sunday – Tuesday “weekend.” After years of me talking in Brian’s ear about this happiness science stuff he was actually really interested, which made the whole endeavor so exciting. 

Like anything, there are multiple ways of looking at this “Happiness Conference.” A more pessimistic perspective is to quickly judge everyone who attended – the irony is almost too obvious to say aloud, but I will, just to bring you along the “journey” and get ahead of what you might be thinking. Yes. It was a bunch of wealthy people at The Ritz-Carlton, a cliffside hotel, holding $22 martinis, paying a lot of money to learn how to be happier from other likely wealthy folks with a lot of hyphenates during a time in the world that can often feel anything but happy. Even writing this after the week of insane news feels weird and gross, but multiple things can be true at the same time so I’ll continue. If you were to go to a fitness conference you’d get a lot of fit people learning how to be more fit or teach about fitness, or a gardening conference would teach gardeners new ways to improve their gardens. It’s the nature of a conference – immersing yourself in a singular subject with the goal to come out more informed on it. And it’s a privilege to be at any conference about “happiness” because you get to get away from your life to focus on one thing – either to better your life, business, or family. It’s specific for a reason and they have to be expensive in order to pay the speakers/experts for their time and cover the production of the event. So if you are judging the people and the spirit of it – simply don’t go. It’s likely not for you – (or maybe it is for you:)). Maybe read this article instead. It’s the most recent one I’ve been sharing that might help you understand the intent. If you are turned off by self-improvement culture I get that – but I think that “turn-off” is more about the people, less about the ideas which most have been around for centuries or millennia. I get it all, but with an open mind and engaging with people with whom you connect, I think there is universal value.

A more open perspective (which is the one we took) is to learn more about how to navigate this life with more purpose and meaning, less pathologies, and for some of us, take back info and tools to our communities or our teams. Often new philosophies are resisted at first, but the science behind happiness is so hard to resist or negate – it’s common sense, folded in with data and research but we all know is true. A conference on happiness has the intention of creating more of it, and that is a good thing both personally and as a whole society.

In true Emily fashion, I leaned into the spirit and the intent of the conference, embraced it all, and LOVED IT. The first night was a meet and greet, everyone wearing their finest (do I dress cool? Professional? Serious? What message do I want to send?), trying to impress the unknown. We aren’t big “networkers” but connecting with others in this setting is just fun and part of the whole experience so I forced it and Brian followed. You simply go up to other people in a group and say, “Hi. What brings you to this happiness conference?” With a bit of a wink (and self-congratulatory irony of course) and you meet your conference buddies that become touchpoints for the next 2 days. I was quickly surprised by the crowd. We met a professional dating coach, an estate attorney (a long-time reader! Hi Colleen!), a lot of executive coaches who gave me names of shamans in Oregon (forest bathing!), a podiatrist, and a few VC investors. We even met a group of 70-year-old dads who have been best friends since they were in kindergarten and are just now exploring their inner life because as typical cis-male-dominant-earners they hadn’t given themselves permission to dive in before this. There were business leaders, entrepreneurs, and a lot of people in the second half of their life who have realized that the happiness they were promised through “success” fell short. They read Arthur C. Brooks’s book, from Strength to Strength, and came to meet him. 

Brian’s goal was to come out of it with a good story, some anecdotes for his novel, and of course, have some fun (he’s very open to it and we both love social experiments). My goal was to learn more tools to take back to my life and simply be a better mom, business owner, wife, friend, writer, leader, and citizen. On the happiness scale I’m pretty good (born this way), so I was just hoping that Brian (more of the skeptic) would come up with ways to reframe and we would have days and days of stories to tell, which we do. 

So here are the biggest takeaways:

1. Typically happiness goes up and down throughout life, with some very common patterns (as you can see in the graph above). Peaking early can be hard and how you respond to that rise, and in my case stagnation, will affect your happiness for the rest of your life. A lot of us, called “strivers” succeed early and while that sounds awesome, the pressure to continue to outdo our past selves in the field that we peaked in is daunting and as our brains age, it’s almost impossible. Many, like Darwin for instance, lived the last 30 years of his life despondent, not able to do the same level of research he accomplished for his fame. He wanted to end his life because he felt like a failure not being able to live up to his former self and the collective hype and fame. Arthur C. Brooks – the social scientist who founded this conference – collected a lot of data from polling people and decades of research to empower people to frame the second half of their life so that they can use their crystalized wisdom to add value to the world, to teach, empower, impart information. Those that do are wildly happier than those who chase their peak. 
2. “The key to happiness is not to have what you want, it’s to want what you have” – the Dalai Lama. Just say that over and over – which is not always easy, but you get the general sentiment. Arthur C. Brooks told this story about the Chinese art of sculpture and how they believe that a piece of art doesn’t start from a blank canvas – opposite. It’s created by sculpting a block of jade, shedding what isn’t necessary, peeling back layer after layering, chipping away at the stone to reveal what we really are (and have always been) at the center. Michelangelo said the same thing with his David Sculpture. It’s all inside of us – we just have to shed the layers, do less, have less, and need less in order to find it. He reinforced that America is one of the only countries where it’s societally normal to collect and collect and collect, more and more and more – in Buddhism they try to shed, reduce, and hone so that by the end it’s just the important stuff. We have a lot of re-programming to do.
3. Wait, what is the important stuff? While this is relatively common sense, Arthur C. Brooks has distilled it down to four pillars – faith, family, community, and meaningful work (which he defines can be earned or is service-based). In his research (and yes, there are a lot of graphs) people who are the “happiest” have prioritized those four things. Of course, my natural reaction to that is “well, we live in a capitalist society and the real stressors of life for a lot of the population include needing to be able to feed themselves and yes, need money.” While we all know that wealth doesn’t equal happiness, we can all agree that having enough to be comfortable is a huge part of happiness, especially in a big city (which is one of the reasons we left – in hopes of a less expensive life, we could hustle less and feel more comfortable long term). He goes into this more in his book (local here and kindle here) but all in all it’s really hard to argue with those four pillars.
4. Music. We all know the emotional power of music, but in one seminar there was a scientist, Charles J. Limb, who showed us what it does to our brains that other languages or art forms can’t. It wasn’t just about self-expression, it was more scientific and granular than that. It’s like your brain taps into a collective wave that makes us all feel less alone, more connected. We all know this but being reminded how important it is to create music, not just enjoy it, can rewire your brain and create new pathways that can be totally life-changing. I remembered when I went back to church a few years ago, singing with the 30 strangers in the congregation was at first so uncomfortable but once we hit the chorus I was projecting aloud, I felt a level of euphoria that I hadn’t in a long time – to the point of weeping (a heavy dose of nostalgia was involved). You don’t need to play an instrument, we all need to sing more. It’s like exercise – a natural anti-depressant. 
5. Big brands can do cool things. Titos (the vodka company) was the underwriter for the conference which we thought was another layer of irony because there is a severe alcoholism problem in America. Extreme drinking is pretty normalized and it’s certainly not making people happier. But I will say this – when the Chief Joyologist spoke about their business model I choked up – water filled my eyes. They flipped the typical business triangle – putting people and passion at the top and profit at the bottom. Bert Beveridge (you can’t write this stuff, I’m not joking) is apparently a wonderful business leader and person who puts service at the forefront of their company – leading many monthly company-wide, nationwide service projects as well as giving their employees a “joy budget” for them to donate to the charities of their choice every month. Brian and I were both very, very inspired. When businesses flip the script and give a shit I think maybe I do want to grow my business, that there are good models out there that have purpose when other days the social media world makes me wonder what good growing would actually create. Maybe I need to buy a distillery:) 
6. The Creator Hour. Tara Nicholle Kirk, founder of SoulTour spoke during one of the break out sessions and I loved her concrete tips. She calls it the “creator’s hour”. Every morning starts with a sitting (meditation), journaling away your “ughs” (I love this), and a few other steps followed by moving your body. I’m very tempted to sign up myself and my team for her $97 21-day program.
7. “Inspire don’t require”. I LOVE it when a very simple flip of a word can help you approach life differently. This is great in work and parenting – don’t “require” them to do something, instead figure out how you can inspire them to do it. Inspire means “fill with spirit” which I hadn’t really thought about before. Now I’m not saying I’m going to try to inspire my kids to unload the dishwasher without complaining, I’m not a fool, but when it comes to projects at work or even larger family projects, how can I create a space and communicate in a way that helps everyone feel inspired to meet the goals rather than have it a requirement? It’s a helpful re-frame.  
8. Social media is now proven to be very negative for our happiness. The data is in folks. It’s no longer correlation/causation. The evidence is that it has made us much less happy. If you don’t believe me please read this article by Jonathan Haidt. This was a big topic at the conference, which I’ve already read a ton about, but the takeaway is to be very, very careful with our kids.
9. Helicopter parenting and over-accommodating is doing a huge disservice to our kid’s future happiness – again, that data is in. Brian went to a session with the author Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote How to Raise an Adult (local here and kindle here) and he really, really loved her. He wished she had spoken longer because she was so insightful, engaging, and relatable. The thesis is that shielding our kids from the stressors can create anxiety and depression later because their nervous system literally doesn’t know what to do with stress or negativity. The years specifically from 7-12 are meant for them to face challenges in a safe space, prepping them for adulthood and through helicoptering, they aren’t doing that. If you want to know more read this book (local here and kindle here) and this article. But the common-sense practice of this is to let our kids confront and solve every problem on their own. Ask questions, support, guide when asked, encourage positive behavior and choices – that’s it. I felt very validated in my non-supervisory approach (remember this post?). Free reign parenting FTW! 

What I Would Do Differently For Next Year’s Happiness Conference?

Listen it’s their first year doing this and we both thought it was super well produced, organized, and overall a great experience. I met the COO, CEO, and many of the marketing people at The Atlantic – of which I was fairly star struck – I’m not being hyperbolic when I say I read it cover to cover monthly for years. The COO is a long-time reader (I haven’t felt that good since Melissa McCarthy stopped me on the street to tell me) and she asked me for my honest feedback. I wanted time to think and process. In true Brené Brown fashion, there needs to be a space between “stimuli” and “reaction” – it’s a formula that looks like this: S (    ) R,  – you need the time in the middle to process the best reaction. So after two weeks, here is mine: 

1. The conference itself had a bit of an identity crisis – which lord knows I can understand as someone who doesn’t know if I’m a person or a brand. I think it didn’t know if it should be self-help or science. I like both, but we were there more for the science/data and learning tools to take back to our family, my company, and you. There were some speakers who gave tools and some hard data, but there were also others that felt full of platitudes and catchy headlines. Which is fine, but it felt like a lot of preaching to the choir – those of us already into this stuff enough to be at this conference likely know the baseline ideas around happiness so I personally wanted more tools to implement, less good retweets, and fewer soundbites. (There were some that gave great tools – Lori Gottlieb, Arthur C. Brooks, Dacher Keltner, Gretchen Sharp – It should be noted many sessions were at the same time so I couldn’t go to all of them). Also shout out to Jeffrey Goldberg (EIC of The Atlantic) for being funny, warm, and asking really pointed direct questions.
2. There needed to be more talk about spirituality and faith. One of the main pillars of happiness, based on Brooks’ research, is “faith” and yet there was only about 5% conversation about it. I think this is because liberals get scared to talk about religion for fear of being seen as conservative or Trumpy. Faith and spirituality don’t have a denomination or a political party. It really just means a transcendent relationship with the world, each other, the universe, a God, the planet, etc. It can be anything, just this connection to something bigger. I can get super woo woo and didn’t necessarily want that for Brian, but even he was very, very interested in that aspect because since I’ve tapped into that world 4 years ago it’s shifted my perspective a lot. I’ve been happier/lighter and he wants to find the same thing. So we were disappointed it wasn’t a larger conversation, especially because I felt that the experts associated with The Atlantic would have done it in a way that felt non-indoctrinating. Arthur C. Brooks is a conservative Catholic which I frankly love – I’m so sick of my bubble and love the more centrists perspectives out there. I wish there were more of that. I love that The Atlantic can frame sensitive topics in a more objective way so I’d love to know how they would approach faith. 
3. More give back and service components. When you have so many wealthy people in a room I always feel like it’s a missed opportunity to create a larger conversation around service (there were two sessions on it, to be fair). I also spoke to so many people there who were highly involved in many charities or had quit their jobs to dedicate their lives to adding more value to the world. And like the Goop conference article, I have to remind myself that it’s not someone else’s job to help me be a good person or to mitigate my guilt for being at a conference full of likely privileged people. That’s on you, Emily. But if I were in charge of it next year I would A. Charge more and give a portion of the sales to a vetted charity – for me something children-related because I’m always wanting to go upstream to prevent the problems. And B. Bring heads of non-profits to be able to network with all these wealthier folks who are here to become happier people which is highly linked to service. Actually connecting with organizations that we can help support, consult for, or be on boards for would be amazing. The scientific link between service and happiness is indisputable and something I really want to focus some of my future on – so why not make that a bigger component here? 
4. Invite more government officials, superintendents, or principals of schools as guests. So much of the data we know shows us that “achievement testing” is absolutely misguided and pretty damaging. We need to change our educational system, again going more upstream to help the next generation be less obsessed with “more” and achievement, but instead fostering their self-worth through community service, self-reliance, teamwork, hard work, and of course, kindness. A conference has limited capacity, so next time I would love to see more industry leaders in the public sector so that they could bring it back to their team and change/improve their communities. 
5. More GREAT speakers with concrete takeaways – less yelling into the echo chamber — I wanted to hear more from Olga Khazan about how she changed her personality in 3 months, and more from Kate Julian about her parenting articles. In fact, more parenting would be AWESOME. Brian requested that, too :). Lisa Osborne Ross spoke about changing her role from CEO to “Chief Empathy Officer” – which sounds great, but I want to know how they structure their managerial system to scale “listening” in a way that is both emotionally supportive and successful for the business. I’m learning every day that parenting and running a business/team are strangely similar – you need to be consistent and kind, set boundaries, be clear with expectations, and then allow autonomy, creativity, and individuality in a safe space for everyone to thrive. But I only have 5 employees. I want more tools if I were to grow my team again to make sure it stays healthy. I love Brené Brown who gives really great tools like the 2-word check-in every day. So if there are leadership seminars I’d love to hear more tools, takeaways, learnings, examples of HR policies, etc.

The Recap…

Brian and I were so glad we went – Again, I think the experience as a whole was extremely well-produced and programmed. If you want an abridged version of the conference read this article (it’s excellent). I feel like I’m the last print magazine reader, but for the ones I love I need to hold them in my hands, curl up for hours, and soak it all in. If I can give my quick endorsement for The Atlantic it would be this – this magazine feels more centrist and objective. They call out the liberal left a lot, not editorializing but just stating and analyzing what we all can observe if we open our eyes. Progressivism isn’t always progressive. Shouting into our echo chamber has become deafening and it’s very important to step out of our bubble and communicate.

While a lot of what we learned can be common sense, when it’s framed within science-backed research and data it makes it feel even more empowering. More of an “if you do this, you can feel that” sort of thing and yes, you can argue about privilege which I absolutely agree with you. But privileged or not, reframing your life to focus on the four pillars (family, faith, community, and meaningful work) can help you align your life with your values. I fully recognize the “easy for you to say” retort, I’ve already said it to myself, but it doesn’t change the philosophy of striving towards wanting what we have, instead of having what we want. It’s really just the basics, before life got so messy the last 100 years and we reached for external help to solve internal holes – many people, like my parents, have been living the four pillars their entire lives and they are pretty darn happy. So this may not be anything new to some of you (lucky you:)) but for many of us who don’t have those pillars locked in, seeking achievement, wealth, and “success” might find that it’s making it harder to feel enjoyment, contentment, and fulfillment (where I was 3 years ago). So if you are interested in it trust me that reading this stuff can empower you to make simple (or hard) decisions that might have some positive outcomes leading towards more purpose, meaning, and yes, happiness.

Extra Resources For Those Of You Interested

If you are resistant to self-help and wellness culture, I hear you. I think there is a way to still dabble without going full “Goop” if it doesn’t always sit right with you. I was glad that the conference was only a day and a half of programming because self-improvement/reflection can quickly go into self-indulgence and you can leave feeling gross. So if you are still here and curious below is a list of articles or books that I have found helpful or inspiring (I’m NOT trying to indoctrinate anyone but if you’ve related to me over the years and have felt similar feelings about life then hopefully you’ll trust that I’ll only recommend stuff I have found helpful and actionable):

Brené Brown – A real favorite amongst those of us, especially in the business world. Podcast Dare to Lead and Unlocking Us (She just took a 4-month creative sabbatical btw – Go Brené!).
Dan Harris – 10% Happier (He’s the one that had a panic attack/nervous breakdown on live TV as a news anchor and then totally changed his life).
Arthur C. Brooks – Harvard social scientist, podcaster, and author who wrote From Strength to Strength (again local here and kindle here) and is especially great for people in the second half of their life.
Great Good Science Center – “Science-Based Insight for a Meaningful Life”. We loved them at the conference but haven’t listened to the podcast yet.
Gretchen Rubin – I found her so relatable, lovely, and informative.

A few years ago I was introduced to Miry’s List – an LA-based non-profit that helps welcome refugees and their families by getting them set up with a home, basic needs, a job, and introducing them to a community – you can read that post here. I remember that she told me a lot of the parents were former aides to the US – translators that no longer felt safe in their countries after working with the US (many from Afghanistan). Once they arrive here, so far from home, they clearly feel lost. Miry found a hole and has been filling it for 4 years. Their mission is as follows: Miry’s List is a movement of neighbors and friends dedicated to welcoming new arrival refugee families into our community through inspired crowdsourcing.

While the messy fall of Afghanistan is still unfolding and there are a billion unknowns, I think one thing we do know is that those who helped the US over the last 20 years, are no longer feeling safe in the Taliban-controlled country. Many of them are hopefully getting out and brought to the states, and then when they arrive it’s also safe to say that they could use extra resources. Organizations like Miry’s list are crucial to help – not only meet their basic needs but help create a community for them to heal.

While there are a billion ways to help, I wanted to feature Miry’s List today because I know her and her organization personally and can attest to their mission, values, and dedication. I spoke to her this morning and she said that she has 8 new families from Afghanistan that need help, and expect many, many, many more to come soon (hopefully). Here is the link to help these families: Miry’s List Emergency Action Fund. Miry also said she has 3 of her families stuck in Afghanistan who went to visit family this summer. The fund would help them get back as they are currently trapped.

If you want to do more than donate you can volunteer as a family ambassador where you’ll be paired with a family (mostly for those of you in Southern California) and help set up their wishlists to help meet their needs.

From Miry: “The goal of an ambassador is to help get one family’s wishlist fulfilled. We match ambassadors with families, a photo, a bio about them and their experience, and a link to their Target wishlist. Also, we ask ambassadors to periodically call the families to do an emotional check-in. Like you would with a friend who is having a hard time. It could be a quick hello or something longer but these touchpoints can be really impactful for families who feel very isolated and far from home.” To volunteer to be an ambassador you can email: ambassadors@miryslist.org

It’s all a mess, totally terrifying, and watching it from afar is a point of privilege. Thanks to non-profit founders like Miry who have been dedicating their lives for years and have the connections and real protocol to help these families – with extra resources and help from those of us who can afford to give. Again, here is her emergency fund dedicated to this most recent crisis, to help Afghani families resettling in California. Give to Miry’s List Emergency Fund

While I know Miry personally, I know there are so many organizations set up to help during this crisis (and year-round). My team rounded up a few more (and please leave more in the comments). We are all still learning the best ways to help so if you have other ideas that go beyond or instead of donating please list those as well. Our hearts, our love, all our thoughts, and prayers go towards the families in Afghanistan.

Organizations to Support

Save the Children

For 100 years, their mission has been to give children a healthy start in life with the opportunity to learn and protection from harm. Nearly 10 million children in Afghanistan are in desperate need of life-saving help. Amid recent airstrikes and shelling, thousand of children and families have been forced to flee, with no access to proper medical care, here are ways you can help:

Ways to help: donation, sponsor a child, or shop gift catalog to give a meaningful gift to a child in need. GoFundMe- Emergency Relief In Afghanistan

Charmagz Library

As one of the few Afghan non-profits registered within Afghanistan, Charmagz Library is a group of young Afghans who have witnessed war and its direct impact on their childhood firsthand. This organization provides mobile library services within Kabul, Afghanistan.

Ways to help: donate to Charmagz Library here

Srow Zar Children @educatethechildrenaf

Children Without Borders and Watan Project

This project was created by Children Without Borders and the Watan Project and they’ve organized a fundraiser where 100% of the proceeds will go to families in need in Afghanistan. You can read more on their project page here.

Ways to help: donate to the campaign here

No One Left Behind

This was one of Miry’s recommendations. They are the only nationwide nonprofit committed to ensuring that America keeps its promise to our interpreting allies and their families who risked their lives for our freedom.

Ways to help: donate to the campaign here

Help Build Tomorrow

Help Build Tomorrow (HBT) core mission is to help those in need through sustainable projects for a better tomorrow. This organization’s current campaign goal is to provide urgent needs from tents to food, blankets, drinking water, and hygiene items among other pressing needs. The funds collected in this campaign, will be deposited in the accounts of the US-based non-profit, HBT (Help Build Tomorrow) in smaller increments, and HBT will transfer those funds to local volunteers coordinated by a fundraiser team selected from the community in diaspora around the world, who will supervise the disbursement in full transparency and report back to the community.

Ways to help: donate to the campaign here

“Tent Village” in Kabul by PARSA (Mina Sharif)

They have set up a “tent village” in downtown Kabul and are serving 40 families displaced by the Taliban advance. The Scout camp is being supported by local residents who are dedicated to doing whatever they can to help their fellow citizens. You can donate to this organization so they can get more resources and necessities for these families.

Ways to help: donate to the tent village campaign here

Human Concern International

Human Concern International is on the ground supporting internally displaced people who have left behind their rural towns for city centers with more support. There are more than 270,000 IDPs (internally displaced people), and the figures are rising. Men, women, children, and the elderly are in dire need of clothing, food, water, and shelter. Some need medical care due to sickness, old age, or injury. You can watch videos of their past work here.

Ways to help: donate to their campaign here

***NOTE: There were so many other amazing campaigns that have already reached their goal (or surpassed it which is AWESOME), these are the campaigns that are still actively needing support. If you have any more ways to help or organizations that need a spotlight, please comment them below!

If you looking for other ways to support, consider donating your time through phone banking. Here are some resources below!

Phone Banking

1. Text Crisis to 52886
2. Use this Afghanistan Congressional Call Script document for a list of representatives to call along with a general script you can say is an attempt to centralize contact information and demands for US politicians regarding Afghanistan.
3. This Congressional Advocacy Script document is for calling and petitioning congressional representatives based on your district

Hopefully, this is helpful. Thank you all for reading and taking the time to be here. And most importantly, thank you for doing your part 🙂

I don’t go to church and I wouldn’t describe myself as religious. The memories of my parents dragging me out of bed on Sunday morning still echo in my mind and so does the dread I felt having to sit on a pew for an hour listening to a sermon I didn’t understand. But now at 26 years old, something’s shifted. I’ve developed a surprising affinity towards Catholicism, specifically as it relates to my family history and culture. The traditions I used to roll my eyes at are suddenly endearing. The family heirlooms and my grandmother’s collection of rosaries are things I feel lucky to have. Seemingly out of nowhere, I’ve had the strangest desire to incorporate this part of my life into my home, akin to how my parents and grandparents have always done in theirs — albeit with fewer crucifixes (I am not there yet).

For me, being raised Catholic was a little like learning how to play an instrument that was missing strings. I got some of the routines down like going to Mass on Sundays, memorizing prayers, and attending funerals anytime a distant relative or family friend passed. But it never felt completely right so eventually, I stopped practicing altogether. In general, a lot of my experiences with Catholicism were rooted in morals, tradition, and family rather than strict biblical practices but as a kid, those things weren’t the most fun to care about. Then as I got older I questioned the bible and rebelled as teenagers do. As such, I wouldn’t say my relationship with religion is or ever has been easy and I consider myself lucky that my experience with the Catholic religion is not traumatic, especially since humans are fallible and can screw up even the things that are meant to be holy.

But as I said, I was lucky. My parents grew up Catholic and with the understanding that there are certain things you do in life not because you want to, but because it is the right thing to do. When it comes to family, no matter how distant or problematic they might be, you show up. Family parties were non-negotiable commitments and the same applies to funerals, baptisms, first communions, weddings etc, etc. It’s this emphasis on family and tradition that has me reminiscing about Catholicism and reevaluating what faith and religion mean to me. As is the case for most people, the older I get the more I understand the desire to believe in something. A higher power sounds extremely attractive when the world is on fire and I often wonder what it would feel like to have an unrelenting faith.

In fact, when I think of faith I think of my dad, whom I’ve asked dozens of times “Why Catholicism?” and his answer is always, simply, “It gives me peace.” Wanting to feel at peace is as universal as it gets on this earth so I get it. I get it even if I don’t understand it all and have trouble with some of the inconsistencies.

Though I don’t presently practice Catholicism, some things remain ingrained such as doing the sign of the cross when I hear bad news and repeating the Hail Mary in my head when an ambulance drives by (something my 3rd-grade teacher told us to do — it’s weird the things that stick). I also have the best parents to look up to, who practice their faith with poise and are nonjudgmental about other people’s beliefs. They’ve always told me that they don’t care what religion I chose, so long as I find spirituality somewhere. They are the reason Catholicism feels non-threatening and why it clearly remains a part of me despite my protests and disbelief in religions that preach love but can often be so cruel.

Now as I move forward with the first real design of my apartment I want to show parts of my Catholic upbringing into my home, which started with a Virgin Mary tapestry that was my Grandmother’s. When my mom asked if I wanted to have it I decided I did, even if only to display something that was dear to my grandma in my home. Then the idea of acknowledging my Catholic upbringing became an endearing and even comforting thought.

As a design lover and enthusiast, it helps that my boyfriend Rocky and I are planning our living and dining room style to be old world meets mid-century modern (or 70s-cowgirl-meets-eclectic-old-world-Italian-grandma if you want to get fancy with it) so our Catholic leanings feel natural. Rocky’s family is Italian Catholic and mine is Irish Catholic so it’s something close to both of our worlds and upbringings. Aesthetically speaking, we are both inspired by Frank Sinatra, The Godfather, Good Fellas, The Sopranos and any movie by Martin Scorses so yes, the old-world Catholic ornaments are fitting.

But all of this pondering has led me to confront the fact that religion is rarely ever displayed in the popular design world. I searched high and low for home tours seeking inspiration and even went as far as searching for homes of celebrities that are known to be religious. All to no avail. Why is this? In an industry that is all about cultivating a home that is personally fulfilling, why is religion excluded? It might be time to acknowledge this inconsistency, and question whether it does any good to shelter something that is a significant part of many people’s lives. In the meantime, the question remains, is there a way I can display this side of me in a way that feels authentic, beautiful, and doesn’t alienate anyone who walks through our door?? I still don’t know for sure, but I intend to try.

I write this knowing all human experiences are different, thus making our relationships to faith and religion nuanced and complex. I also write this believing we can do hard things such as discuss this subject with compassion and understanding — knowing that we are all just trying to get through life the best we can. So, if you are willing to let me into your world, I would love to hear how you display your faith in your home, what it means to you, and what specific pieces you find comfort in. Or, if you’d simply like to share your experience with religion, I’d love to listen and learn. xx

Opener Image Credit: Design by Meghan and Jesse Arlen | Photo by Marisa Vitale | via Apartment Therapy

When recent racist events happen – like the tragedies of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd happen – I don’t know how to write about them. Sitting safely in my bubble, I’m horrified and ashamed. I turn away from the videos, unable to watch – the truest evidence of my privilege – and can only imagine the deep psychological impression that these videos must have on the Black Americans who have seen them. And yet these videos amplify the evidence and justifiably enrage a country, including myself. It’s a sad fact that it takes these types of videos to mobilize such a large response.

I started writing this on Wednesday, but was having a hard time “finding the right words/tone” that didn’t feel like pure virtue signaling or entirely defeated. Our Friday design post got pushed due to client’s approval process, so we scheduled a post already written about “Brian’s Happy Escapism Music,” a post aimed at highlighting upbeat music to help lift a little bit of the quarantine blues. So yesterday morning it went up per usual at 1am. I woke up at 6am, and realized my idiotic mistake, scrambled for my laptop and hit “un-publish” but not before I read the comments where I (rightfully) got called out. The fact that that post went up in the first place did nothing except highlight to me my true privilege – the ability to escape.

One thing I can do is look at myself, ask myself hard questions, and reflect on what I’m doing or not doing that is contributing to racism. Human beings, White human beings especially, can be so cruel. We’ve really f*cked this. Shame on us. To let fear, faux masculinity, posturing, poor modeling, bad education, violence and latent or overt racism ruin your brain enough to kill a man simply by not removing your knee? I’m feeling like we have a pretty terrible government in general if “protection” is their main function. What a fail, on so many fronts.

The powers that be, such as our government, aren’t doing enough – likely because they too are privileged, old, and White to feel an imminent threat to themselves. It’s just like how a lot of politicians don’t really care about public education – They have no vested interest in the success of the education system because their children (or grandchildren) don’t attend public schools. They lack the motivation, the true drive, to make it their cause. Similarly, White politicians (and White Americans as a whole) have rarely taken it upon themselves to take actions that would truly lead to dismantling racism in America. In case I haven’t made it clear, I am not exempt from this.

I am not a cop or politician. I am an enraged, disgusted, and full of shame citizen. I don’t know how to write about macrame or soup today. I don’t feel like it at all. But I do have a platform, and a responsibility to use that platform to amplify causes like anti-racism.

Ijeoma Oluo writes “Anti-racism is the commitment to fight racism wherever you find it, including in yourself. And it’s the only way forward.” Cup of Jo wrote a great article about this on Thursday that I found so helpful, filled with a lot of great resources.

In an effort to take steps forward in this moment, my team and I pulled together a few simple ways to take action today (and we’re always open to adding more if you have suggestions to add in the comments):

1. Use your technology – Sign the petition at www.justiceforbigfloyd.com
2. Use your voice – Call 612-324-4499 and demand that the county attorney Michael Freeman hold ALL four police officers accountable for the death of George Floyd – update, he’s charged with murder which shows progress in the perception of these cases, but there is still more action needed.
3. If you’re able, use your financial privilege – Donate to the Minnesota Freedom Fund: www.minnesotafreedomfund.org/donate.

We’re not experts on anti-racism, but we wanted more so we pulled together a few other ideas from some internet research and social media accounts we follow –

1.) Read about Black history and read literature by Black authors. Do it often. Become educated so when you do talk to others about the racism in our society and government, you are armed with facts and data to support your arguments about institutionalized racism in America. Here’s a great list to start with.

2.) Look around and see what changes you can make in your own industry to be more inclusive. The interior design world, for example, is a heavily White-dominated industry. We are going to be doing more work to actively support, amplify, and bring attention to Black designers and makers, and will be making a concerted effort to bring different and diverse voices and experiences to this blog.

3.) Listen to Black people and their experiences. Don’t rely on your Black friends or family to answer your questions about race (unless they openly share with you, or have expressed their willingness to be a resource for you). Instead, use social media and the internet to seek our articles, videos, and podcasts produced by Black artists, activists, and journalists who have already done the emotional labor of sharing their experiences. This is great Instagram account to start with, and the podcast 1619 by The New York Times was an incredible listen.

4.) Use your financial privilege, if you’re able, to seek out and buy from Black-owned businesses. Tomorrow we’re going to share a few that we know of, but would always love to hear of more that we can help bring attention to.

5.) Use your vote to help put Black people and other POC in higher positions of power and demand reparations from your local, state, and national governments.

If you want one resource to start with, this book, How To Be Antiracist by author Ibram X Kendi, was recommended to us via an Instagram comment this morning.

Edit: Originally in this morning’s post we had suggested White Fragility. I’ve listened to author Robin Diangelo on a couple of podcasts, but need to read the book. However, it was brought to our attention via Instagram that we should be recommending a book written by a Black author. In recognition of our blind spot here, we’ve amended this post to instead recommend How To Be Antiracist. Thank you to everyone who continues to use their energy in order to share their perspectives with us xx

Here are some other great ideas that we love:

I can’t do anything to bring back the lives of Ahmaud Arbery, or George Floyd or any of the MANY OTHERS, but if I truly have any sort of voice or influence, then being ANTI-racist is what I want to share on my platforms. Admitting privilege, and feeling disturbed and enraged isn’t enough. It’s long past time for me, and all of us who haven’t yet joined this fight, to be actively anti-racist. Let’s do more. Black Lives Matter.

If you have other ideas or ways to contribute, help, causes to donate to, honestly any good suggestions to do or not do, please leave them in the comments. Even if it’s a good inspiring quote. We’d love to read and I know we aren’t the only ones. xx

**P.S. My team is pulling together posts highlighting black American run small businesses in the design/lifestyle/fashion world. If you have any you would like to recommend, please do so in the comments.

I’ll start by saying that there is a clear thesis to this post – everyone should read Jen Gotch’s book, “The Upside To Being Down.” But if you need some convincing, allow me. Ahem.

The last long one-on-one I had with Jen Gotch was way too many months ago, but the 4-hour conversation over margaritas was about how I had just laid off two employees (completely my own fault, they were GREAT – more on that all later – it’s a whole thing). I was very upset/ashamed/embarrassed and I needed to talk to someone who knew me well, and could relate and empathize but not judge and make me feel even stupider than I already felt. You see despite being the founder of the fashion brand Ban.do she’s not great at the “business” part of running a business (which she writes about in the book). We have always shared that lack of talent (yay) as we approach our businesses and lives similarly caring more about “what we do”, and “who we do it with” than “how much we make” (this isn’t a good thing, and I’ve since made a huge shift to give that role to others). I can’t wait to fully write about my “adventures in running a creative business” but that’s not the point of this post.

But the time I spent with Jen before that night was much happier (as my hangouts with her often are). We were swimming naked, not sober, at midnight in Venice. I came home shoe-less (Stolen! I would say, but likely I just forgot where I put them). She won’t be embarrassed about that story, but she might be embarrassed about this: Dear Jen, despite our only 5 years age difference (I think/who cares) and our seemingly equal friendship, you’ve always been a mentor to me and I look up to you A LOT. Again, it’s not like Jen was a business expert, she was me, five years in the future. She had 5 more years of running a business, five more years of mistakes/failings under her belt and I needed, and still need, all the lessons and advice from Jen Gotch. That’s the point – YOU ALL DO. 

That’s why this book is so riveting to me. As I was reading I could relate it, obviously, but so could all of my friends regardless of their career path or mental health. This book is so compelling and entertaining in many ways even if you haven’t spent 12 years as her friend. I couldn’t put it down. It feels like you are hanging out with a hilarious, open, non-judgemental friend whether you know her or not – and I think we all could use more friends right now.

Here’s a quick back story. I met Jen weeks after I moved to LA in 2008, attempting to transplant my pseudo thriving prop styling career during the writer’s strike recession. She was a stylist, I was a stylist, so we met at her house for a drink and the chemistry flew fast. She was (and is) effortlessly herself, which makes anyone in her presence also themselves. This also happens to be an admitted talent of mine, so you might imagine that two people who can equally share vulnerabilities might bond quickly. We did. 

She was barely days, maybe weeks, into starting Ban.do and couldn’t take on as many styling clients as usual. So she did the most generous thing someone could do (which I’ve tried to repeat myself) – she referred me for every job she couldn’t take herself, essentially giving away her work to help someone else thrive. I know her well enough to know that she has an ego (as do I), but our brand of ego is the same and unthreatened by contemporaries or “competitors,” and instead threatened more by personal attacks. But again, we are both bad at traditional “business” and I suppose you would put “giving away clients” on the “bad things to do when running a business” list. But not us!!  

While I identify SO MUCH with the “creative business” journey in this book, it’s also clearly about something else that I don’t personally identify with, and yet could totally relate to – mental illness. 

She told me early on in our friendship about her struggle with mental illness. I don’t remember her exact words but she implied that it was very, very, very bad, “Like sometimes I can’t get out of bed for a week and I’ve been on a million different medications to fix me.” I didn’t believe her. I didn’t think she was lying or exaggerating, it just seemed impossible. Her level of self-awareness is (and was) high, like 10/10. And back then, to a more ignorant me, that fact went against her case. Similar to how a narcissist wouldn’t ever call themselves a narcissist (true story), I thought no one this open, this aware, this FUNNY about their “mental illness” could actually be mentally ill. Whenever Brian hung out with her (he loves a Jen Gotch) he would say the same thing, “there is no way – she seems so healthy and funny.” But of course what we didn’t realize, and why she is so special, is that she wasn’t hiding it. She was just progressive enough to get ahead of it. Evolved enough to accept it and speak openly about it, which especially 10 years ago was alarmingly refreshing. I suppose that was confusing (and awakening) to others, myself included, back then. 

When Brian and I were going through some darker times, Jen referred me to her therapist, Laurel (a huge “character” in the book). It’s the one and only time I’ve been to my own therapy session (except as a teenager, when forced by my parents to figure out why I was being rebellious – ha). I remember that therapy session vividly, with Laurel, I bawled the whole time and even though I knew I couldn’t afford to return. Laurel advised, “I think if you can only spend the money on therapy for one of you, it should maybe be him.” Six months later Brian started going to therapy (not with her, but still life-changing and he wrote about it here). And 6 years later I’m really wishing I had stuck with therapy, too, with Laurel. I need therapy, I do, but I’m pretty great at acting like I don’t. 

While reading the book I felt both super connected to the story that I knew, and riveted about the parts of the story I didn’t know. I had hung out with Jen throughout this writing process and despite her frustration with writing a memoir, it propelled our conversations faster and farther. The “I’m Very Busy” chapter is filled with all the gross philosophies that many female “entrepreneurs,” like us, have co-opted (or not) from male culture, with generally bad results. I highlighted EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE of that chapter, despite already knowing I was personally doing better because of our past conversation on the topic. If you are a potential female “entrepreneur” please read this book. 

I’ve recommended this book to many women, and we all relate and identify with different parts of it. I wasn’t raised like Jen, but also feel like what I used to think was parental failings actually led to my overall success (a lesson you don’t learn ’til you are middle-aged – if you are lucky to learn at all). I’ve never personally dealt with real mental illness of my own, just the occasional situational anxiety and yet could totally relate to that twenty-something Jen wrote about. My friends all relate to different aspects of the book, too – maybe it’s the relationship with her mom or her dad, maybe it’s the struggle for self-worth (which has also historically seemed unbelievable to me – she’s one of the most likable people on the planet, how could she not see that???), maybe you relate to being co-dependent, the endless search for love or not ready for “adulting.” Point is, this book is bigger than just being about mental illness or running a creative business, although those two plots woven together really do tell the most compelling personal story.

For me, most importantly, it’s about honesty, vulnerability, and transparency. Women are better at it now than they were 10 years ago, and decades ahead of men in this emotional field (in my personal opinion). But Jen Gotch has been a pioneer of imperfection since I met her. She’s been the voice of vulnerability before it was cool. Let’s keep going. She’s the head honcho of honesty and the top dog of transparency. If nothing else, I guarantee this book will inspire to tell your story, just as I am more inspired to share about mine, because at the end of the day it’s all we’ve got. Our stories are our only real valuable personal commodity. And if you can create a successful and joy-inducing business by making headbands out of your garage, being hilarious, and talking openly about your mental illness, then maybe we all have a chance. Maybe we all can use our failings to indeed create our own “success,” whatever that looks like to you. 

So if you are interested (and I hope now YOU ARE) buy Jenn’s book, The Upside of Being Down. It’s a fast, funny, heartwarming, sad and hopeful read, told to you by a friend, about subjects that are usually not any of those things. **UPDATE – its now a NY TIMES Bestseller!!!!!!!! CONGRATS, Jen. May you finally get your “National Treasure’ Award, too.

*I just wanted to start this post by saying that this post has been a year and a half coming. I finished writing weeks ago – right before it all started spiking here in the US and distancing efforts were began in earnest. We held off posting this because we were (and likely still are) all consumed, like most of the world, with the tragic state of things. But I suppose now is as good a time as any to talk about a higher power, our existence, and purpose. Of course, the irony is that I can’t go to church for a while, but that doesn’t negate my feelings and thoughts on the subject. Here goes…

Plot twist in the Emily Henderson story. After being raised Mormon, then spending 25 years agnostic, I have found myself wearing an ankle-length skirt, carrying a bag full of coloring books and snacks, sitting in a pew surrounded by stained glass. AND LIKING IT. What most of you have been wondering (and asking on social media) is, how the hell did I get here? 

Well, a long-winded analogy seems only appropriate to help explain. Here’s how I look at it: Spirituality (and religion) is like exercise or playing a sport – you can dabble in it (the occasional hike), join a local team (a casual church), or dedicate your life to playing a professional sport. Some people like to do it on their own (the rock climber?), some need a group to stay motivated, some like a friendly coach, and some might prefer or need a strict regimen with a lot of discipline and punishment (NFL player). YOU GET IT. There are a million different ways to exercise your body and get those endorphins (if you are even into that) and finding the one that works best for you is the challenge. I think it’s the same with spirituality. There are too many “religions’ and non-religions to count, all with pretty much the same goals – to add or find a larger meaning to life and enrich our day-to-day while we are here. 

I grew up LDS, aka Mormon. I left when I was 15 for the reasons that most people do – I didn’t identify with the conservative values, felt like there were a lot of hypocrisies, and didn’t feel seen as an individual who had a lot of questions that never could be answered. I also likely wanted to act like a normal teenager and make choices that weren’t aligned with the LDS doctrine, because as some of you might know, Mormonism is strict. But mostly it’s because I never really believed in God, which made all the above even harder. In all honesty, leaving the church didn’t feel like the hard part. But upsetting my parents was. Looking back now, I realize that rejecting and feeling rejected by something I’d known all my life, during such formative years, was perhaps traumatic and certainly skewed my view of organized religion. Not to mention affected my relationships. I wasn’t “kicked off the team”. I guess I just didn’t want to play anymore. I could write a whole book about that, and I realized it would be a big question in the comments so I wanted to address it. However, it’s not the point of this post. 

So most of my 20s and early 30s were spent without religion, having no spiritual life, which seemed fine because it’s really easy to not have something that you never had before. Plus I was a bit angry at organized conservative religions and really wanted no part of it. When people said “I’m not religious, but I’m very spiritual,” I thought it was BS because I didn’t know how to divorce the two. I didn’t realize all the options that are out there. I’d think, “so you believe in what??? Spirits?? What does that even mean??” Now, I know. 

WHY DID I START THINKING ABOUT CHURCH? 

In my later 30s I softened and started to see more of the good that churches can do – including the LDS (although their support of prop 8 set me back a lot). I started thinking about church probably for the same reason a lot of people do: The longing for community, to connect deeper to others outside of our bubble, to find a potential higher power for guidance, and to know that there IS more than just “this.” Also let’s not forget the nostalgia for an easier life, fear of how to raise our children to be good, the desire to help others, and generally help to be a better person. I look at my siblings and parents and I can’t help but think “gosh, Mormons are just the nicest people,” and clearly I want that part for my kids. 

Let me be clear, you don’t need religion or a church to do any of those things above, and many people would argue that there is more harm done with religion than good (I think the singular, and extreme view of the world is what causes problems – the interpretation of religion, perhaps not the religion itself). But historically, that small building in the middle of town could also help provide a lot of those things (when done right). “Working out” on my own was clearly not working. I needed the right “team,” the right church, one that was open and accepting, believed in science, but does that even exist anymore? 

Most importantly I started wondering why we were here. The whole meaning of life thing, and thus began my existential crisis. I couldn’t get my mind around the idea that if one of my kids or Brian died, that was it. No way. I knew that if/when that happens I’d search for answers which prompted me to find them earlier. Also, surely I’m here to do more than just play with pillows and beg for a “swipe up”. I certainly didn’t think that church was going to be THEE answer, but I knew that it was one way that was clearly popular, and one that I was very familiar with.

But I didn’t believe in God or Christianity. I believe in equality and science and radical inclusivity. Also, I was generally nervous to be in a room where another flawed HUMAN BEING MAN might tell me how to think or what to believe. I just couldn’t . . . yet. 

But I still had to find out the meaning of life, obviously. 

So I began my detective work to “find my purpose” and shopped around for the type of spiritual “exercise” that hopefully checked all my boxes and got me a bit closer. 

I listened to podcasts: The Liturgists, Super Soul Sunday, Goop. I read 7 Steps to Spiritual Wellness and Many Lives Many Masters amongst MANY OTHERS. I saw a spiritual counselor and mediums (tarot and palm reader), did sound baths and reiki. I tried meditating and read more about Buddha, and modern-day prophets like Gandhi and MLK. I even became more open to the idea of Joseph Smith – yes, the 14-year-old that founded the Mormon church. In my mind all of the philosophies don’t negate each other, you don’t HAVE to choose one, in fact, it’s my assertion that they are just different access points to the same higher power/s. 

I believe in it all, total religious fluidity, and think there are many different “languages” (or types of “exercises”) because there are many different types of people and we all communicate and function differently. You might see this as a cop-out or even offensive if you believe more singularly – that there is only one true religion – but in a subject that has zero conclusive answers, who is to say anything is off the spiritual table? 

So I suppose at this point I was spiritually lubed up and emotionally ready to step into that door because most of my individual research didn’t yield the community and service aspect that I craved for my family. I still wanted a physical place to meet, an organized way to help, and maybe I could connect more with others outside my bubble instead of me just complaining to my friends or shouting at the stars. 

But before we go further here is a little video I made, talking out loud about my feelings…

So where did I go? What church did I choose? 

**First off, this goes without saying, but I feel like I have to state it – I’m not supportive of any organization who interprets their doctrine to make people in any way feel bad about who they are or their choices, who supports political causes that exclude or seek to take away rights from people. It has to be progressive. For me to attend a church I need radical equality, Evolution is going to need to be recognized as a thing, and anyone can marry who they choose and all families are celebrated. Also, don’t lecture or tell me how to think*

My friend Suzanne was also searching for lots of answers and guidance and as raised Christian herself she felt the most comfortable going to a Christian church. She invited me and I was excited to go more as an anthropological study, definitely unsure that I would “fall” for Christianity. I didn’t the first time around, so why would I now? But the church was a 10-minute walk and only a 1-hour service. It felt like a healthy risk for a good story. 

I prepped myself and dressed in what was almost a sister wife costume and my former church “uniform” – a cute, ankle-length skirt, modest white blouse, and a bandana headband. I didn’t know that at most progressive churches you can really wear ANYTHING. We shuffled in and found an empty pew while the kids focused on their wrapped peppermints (Candy!). The pastor (Bishop? Reverend? Priest? I didn’t know) was wearing a plaid button-up, slacks, and sneakers. Neither hipster nor formal. As he spoke he reminded me so much of my older brother – genuine, funny, self-deprecating, relatable, inspiring and very, very caring while being seemingly unjudgemental. 

As the music started, and we were asked to stand up I held Birdie like a security blanket, swaying with her in my arms, singing in her ear the new words displayed on the projector screen. It was uncomfortable how comfortable it was.

I thought, “I can’t believe I’m at church…
And I like it.” It was shocking, but not surprising.

The tears came, as they are right now. I guess I was overwhelmed, maybe by “the spirit” (I’ve heard of that:)), more likely nostalgia. I was my mother. I had done all the things – packed a “church bag” full of snacks and coloring books and yelled “kids get ready for church!” as if they even knew what that meant – they had never been. I found myself shushing them gently the same way my mom shushed us. I was dying to listen to the pastor, as likely my parents also did the bishop 30 years ago, because now it mattered to me. I didn’t hate this nostalgic feeling, because the intention behind all of it, 30 years ago and now, was good. My parents had good intentions and so do I, despite all the mistakes I’m surely going to make when my children are teenagers. The sermon made me ask myself some hard questions in such a non-judgemental and casual way. There was this undeniable sweetness and earnestness from the few people who were there. 

Why this church?

I suppose I found the type of “spiritual exercise” that works best for me at this point in my life. Let me explain. 

I’m going to continue with my sports analogy, because now I’M READY TO HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK. This church is the super fun “community softball team,” with a really nice encouraging coach, and people of all different levels, that accepted me for my average talent but eager demeanor. It’s an “anyone can play” team. This isn’t dissimilar from growing up where I played every sport with such enthusiasm, despite my undeniable mediocrity. And every single year, I won the – I kid you not – “best attitude” award. I’m the exact same here. I’m not necessarily GREAT at the game, but I really, really, really want to play because it makes me feel good and for whatever reason, I will give it my all. 

I like having a team because I’m not that disciplined on my own – I’m too scattered and get bored so easily, I won’t push myself on my own and I’m pretty social (as you can guess). I need a coach who encourages and teaches, but doesn’t yell, lecture, scream or make me feel bad when I mess up (or when I don’t show up). He wants me to be better and gives skills, tips, and tools that help, but no extreme punishment when I fail. I like teammates to share in the same experiences and I respect that some people are going to take it more seriously, be amazing, and leave me in the dust – I literally don’t care. You do you. I just want to set aside some time to be with them and my family, work on what I need to work on, and share some values. Basically, I want to “exercise” and leave feeling really good, taking that experience throughout the week.

This church is new and un-organized in the BEST way. It’s full of people that are in our community, yet outside my normal social circle, and it’s so refreshing. It is earnest and sweet and there is zero dogma and indoctrination (thus far). I told the pastor the second week (when he asked) that I didn’t believe in a “Christian God, per se.” He smiled and said, “I get that,” and then joked, “well …. at least not yet” with a proverbial wink, which was actually very funny and we both laughed at the challenge. I was totally accepted there even though I couldn’t and can’t say that I take Jesus as my Lord and savior. And I’m not sure I ever will. It just felt like you could be the worst version of yourself and still be accepted and loved.

I also really ENJOY learning about history. Despite your spiritual beliefs, a lot of what is in the Bible happened historically (with different versions obviously – no one REALLY knows) and I was gripped with a “what is going to happen next” curiosity, as if it were the hometowns of The Bachelor. And by the end of the never-long-enough talk, the sermon is always brought back to 2020 and how the message could somehow pertain to us now. We always leave wanting to be a better person in some way, with more introspection. Suzanne and I usually have a 2 hour debrief about what we learned, and how we are going to take the message into our lives, as I roast my Sunday supper chicken and sip orange wine or prosecco.

This church also cares about local causes and has provided a place for us to volunteer and help the community. This was one of my original drives towards a physical church versus just practicing my own spirituality. Of course, ideally, we’d be doing it more on our own, not needing the reminder or someone else to organize. But again, like working out, with busy lives it’s easy to forget this. There is some accountability, but most importantly it’s nice to do it TOGETHER. It’s very bonding for a community, hell it’s what makes a community. We aren’t perfect and I’m not saying that I’m using all my time to help others, but it’s more top of mind with more real opportunities.

Wait, What type of church is this??? 

The third Sunday I jokingly ask Suzanne “What are we again?” Oh right, Presbyterian (reformed). Now I currently don’t necessarily identify as being a Presbyterian, nor am I baptized (or however you become an official member). That may or may not happen. If you want to know what makes them different from other Christian sects here is my very rudimentary understanding (approved by our pastor): 1. Reformed Presbyterians let women become pastors and elders. 2. They accept science (evolution) and approach religion with what they say is a more intellectual viewpoint (like I said, so much history is taught). 3. They have open books and you know exactly how and where your donations are being spent, which is inspiring and makes you care more. But beyond that yes, it’s more progressive, with very little shame or emphasis on guilt, no “going to hells,” etc. It probably helps that the Pastor is in AA, so there are a lot of great messages from that philosophy.

Do I believe in God now?

I believe in a higher power that I have a strong connection with, which does give me a sense of calm, guidance, support, love and yes meaning. I also think that we are all connected, including animals and even plants/our soil, which has given me a much greater sense of connection to the earth and empathy. There is something bigger and greater than me, and I feel that pretty solidly in my soul. 

However …. 

I still struggle saying “God” in the Christian sense, and often transcribe “God” to “universe” or as my brother does “GOOD” in my head when it’s spoken. I think the easiest way to explain it is this: I’m open to it all, but Christianity is my “Native Language” – it’s my “way in,” because it’s close to how I was raised (Mormons are Christians). It’s comfortable and easy for me, but as I said earlier there are so many others “languages” that you can also speak (Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism – ANY and all of them that I’m forgetting . . . .). I don’t believe it’s the only true religion, it’s just culturally the easiest for me to identify with. 

I hope that saying I don’t believe there is only one religion or one God isn’t offensive to those of you who have more of a singular view, that is obviously not the intent or the *spirit* of the post. Spirituality is so individual and cultural, and I think whatever feels good, gives you a greater purpose, and helps you find meaning is right for you. Again, it’s a type of religious or spiritual fluidity that is working for me.

And listen, some times it gets too “religious-y” for me and that’s ok! I am at a church after all. I just think “this part isn’t for me” and then I listen, without judgment. It’s a lot to go from being agnostic for 25 years to attending a Christian church, weekly. I’m making small steps with an open mind and I’m sure as I learn more about Christianity and that undeniably great guy Jesus, some sort of faith will grow. I’m totally open to it (honestly I think I just need to understand the story more to “get” the story of Jesus, and our pastor agreed to give me some one on one time to ask all my questions).

Are we raising our kids religious?

Mostly we are doing our best in every way, and certainly not relying on church to teach them morality just as we don’t rely on their school teachers to teach them how to behave. For now, they are coming with us and enjoying it, but I’m nervous, Brian even more-so. It seems so far that they are just learning a simpler version of what we are learning. Hopefully, they are just taking away the idea of being kind and helping our neighbors, loving our enemy, etc. Although I know that there is a level of conditioning that is really hard to avoid in a church when you are so young. I try to casually ask them about what they learned and if they have any questions, without being too weird about it. Birdie just likes to color the cartoon angels, but Charlie sits with us in the service and listens to Every. Single. Word. It’s both impressive and kinda scary, fearing that he’s too young to hear the grownup bible stories (guys, the old testament is not G rated, and yes we had to leave once during the service where we learned about why it was called “Passover.” He got scared of blood on our door). 

When Charlie asked me point blank if Jesus really came back from the dead, I said “I don’t know, bud. These are all stories that a lot of people believe are true, and you can learn and think for yourself. Ask all the questions you need and maybe someday you’ll decide if they feel true to you, too.” He accepted that answer, as I wiped the beads of sweat off my brow. I truly think we should foster the openness to faith, and create a space and conversation for their potential beliefs, inspire hope, etc. I personally don’t actually think telling them that these are the facts and that they have to believe helps them develop a healthy sense of spirituality in the long run. I resented that as a child and teenager, and I don’t want to repeat that. 

We want them to enjoy it, not have it be forced upon them and Brian and I are even remodeling the kid’s ministry rooms to be more fun and inviting (coming to a blog near you soon) so it injects the new church with good energy. (See? I’m an ENTHUSIASTIC player.)

What does Brian think? Does Brian Henderson go to church?

The back story. Brian has always been a pretty atheistic, barely admitting that maybe there is something out there, referencing “science” all the time and needing “proof” (boring). His “know it all-ness” has infuriated me at times and we’ve actually had so many heated “debates” and wine-fueled fights about it over the last 10 years. How does HE know there’s NOTHING? 

So when I first started taking the kids he was psyched to get 2 hours alone on a Sunday morning. He would listen to podcasts, clean the house, and watch sports. Then I’d come back in a GREAT mood and make us all a huge Sunday supper of roasted chicken and farmers market veggies. Yah . . . he loved “church,” with no intention of ever going himself. 

But he wanted to participate in the service projects and knew that it was important that we do it as a family. Turns out he enjoyed the people, pastor, and the work. In fact, a couple of months ago our family spent the entire Saturday with some other volunteers cleaning and organizing the kid’s rooms. Not only did Brian not complain about how he was spending his weekend, but I could see that he really enjoyed it. This has continued and the past couple of weeks he has spent a large portion of every day putting down Flor tiles in the new kid’s spaces so the church didn’t have to hire someone. 

He’s opted to come to the last two services and really enjoys the conversation – it’s thought-provoking and historically so interesting. Don’t tell us (or our kids) how to think or believe, but it’s hard to argue with inspiring people encouraging us to be less of an asshole, love more, and feel more universally connected. Knowing that something great exists beyond you, is good for all of our souls (and egos). But spiritually he’s still up in the air, but becoming more open.

How do our friends feel?

Ha. Well, it’s funny. They are watching from the bleachers, nay, across the street inside a house peering out behind the curtains, mostly thinking it’s weird and scared that we’ve changed and become super conservative. After over 10 years of friendship, it must feel odd to text “Brunch?” And get back “Sorry, going to church!” I try to explain it, but it always feels like I’m proselytizing and that’s not what I’m trying to do AT ALL. I also find myself feeling defensive. It’s kept kinda quiet here in LA (by others, not me), with people sharing political views and educational philosophy much earlier than mentioning any sort of church affiliation. I think there can be a lot of judgment about religion and “church,” mostly because of the stereotypes. The ones that say churchgoers are extremely conservative, hate gays, love Trump and hold “you’re going to hell” signs on street corners. Sure, that exists, but definitely not the case here. After years of angrily arguing about how some Christians are the least Christ-like, I’m relieved to finally be exposed to so many Christians that indeed are carrying more progressive views and are so open, loving and inclusive. It’s so refreshing.

Since I’ve spoken openly about going to church, people will perk up and say “me, too”. There are a surprising amount of “secret Christians” in LA (that’s what I call them). The irony is thick – that they/we are fear being judged out in society, as others do when they are in a church. Extremism in every religion is what people fear, me too, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, I know some Mormons that believe wholeheartedly in the gospel but disagree with a lot of the interpretations of the doctrines that human men have put into place. This blew my mind – that you don’t have to buy into the whole thing. You can believe in the macro but know that some of the man-made rules and rights restrictions are perhaps not for you. I will pay $500 to anyone that can explain why they forbid drinking coffee but encourage diet coke. These kinds of inconsistencies distract (and taint) the entire religion, but I respect the individuals who are progressive enough to realize that there might have been a “language barrier” or a “lost in translation” issue with some of the doctrine from God to prophet. 

But again, this post isn’t about why I left the Mormon church, it’s why 25 years later I’ve found myself in a church at all. It’s still shocking to me, and yet somehow not at all. 

Would I ever go back to the Mormon church?? 

While I have truly endless appreciation for how I was raised until I was a teenager (#mormontil15) I don’t identify with how conservative it is. I do however realize that no one does service and gives back more than the Mormon church – they just don’t shout about it. They do SO MUCH for so many, locally and internationally, and for the most part their intention is wildly pure. I am a highly positive person, with a crazy work ethic, and a very good moral compass because I was raised Mormon by people who dedicated their lives to the church (could be anecdotal, but those are the facts). But until the church can accept gay marriage, encourage more questioning and curiosity, and allow flexibility in rules then I know I won’t be able to make it my community. I’ve talked to the big guy about it, and he’s fine with me 🙂 My beef with religion has truly been more with the conservatism/extreme teachings.

This post felt premature to write. I’m only a year and a half in and I’m just learning my “spiritual language,” I’ve just joined the team. Plus I have a lot of residual religious resentment that I’ve had to work through. It’s creating a pretty big hurdle for me to dismantle or jump over. So while I’m comfortable at a Christian church I still have some triggers. I suppose that’s why it’s shocking, that after all that injury, I’m back up playing again at all. And writing this post over the last couple of months (the first draft was 23 pages) helped a lot. 

So that’s where I’m at, March 20, 2020. I go to church and I like it.

For someone who apparently LOVES a cheesy long-winded sports analogy I find it hilarious that I can’t handle the word “journey,” but I suppose that’s what I’m on – a spiritual journey. And in five years this might be a completely different post. But using that analogy truly helped me understand where I am spiritually and why I am currently choosing the experience that I am. And that is a keyword for me – “choosing.” It’s my choice. It’s my kid’s choice. And sometimes you need to sit out an inning, bench yourself, or play something different altogether. I think we are ready for this modern version of religion – less polarizing, extreme, and dogmatic and shift it to more acceptance, community, connection, and love. I think that generally, it’s the human beings that have corrupted religions because we are all flawed and full of fear. It’s a hard jump to make to let’s say, still support the LDS church when their doctrine doesn’t support gay marriage. But there seems to be an increasing amount of people who are seeing things this way – interpreting it for themselves, translating it to 2020, and leading with progressive kindness, rather than just sticking to laws that men interpreted from their god. 

So have I found my purpose? Do I know the meaning of life? Maybe. I’ve definitely made some shifts in my career to ensure that I can focus on what I think my “calling” might be. Again, you don’t need religion to help you come to any of these decisions or make any shifts in your life, but it helped me think more macro. It helped me look at things with a lens of longevity and purpose, and there can be nothing wrong with that. 

Maybe someday I’ll be ready for the big leagues, but I’m pretty happy here, showing up when I can, and asking a ton questions to myself and others. Sometimes just getting out there and playing feels really, really, REALLY good. 

So, guys, that’s me, in this very moment quarantined up at the mountain house, thinking about bigger things. Now you: What spiritual team do you play for? Did you grow up going to church? Are you too someone who never thought you’d go back but find yourself craving it?? Would you go back? Did this infuriate/enlighten you? Have you also been seeking some of the same things? I’d LOVE to hear it. 

**Any discussion about religion will be inflammatory, thus my apprehension of posting this for over a year. I realize that for a lot of people religion has caused them so much rejection, pain, and trauma, not to mention wars and genocide. But for others, it has brought nothing but joy and security. It seems to me if something can be so polarizing it’s likely because it holds a lot of emotional stake, and therefore is worth a conversation. I hope this can be a productive dialogue, where we can be open to other’s viewpoints and grow by appreciating other’s views. Don’t waste this opportunity to connect by adding fuel to a negative fire. Instead pose questions, and thoughtful open opinions (like I know you will). 

Well, this weekend might be one that you lean into your inner homebody. I basically always do this on the weekends anyway, so I won’t say “NO” to that encouragement. I’ve vacillated almost daily about how to write about the Coronavirus mostly because there is conflicting information or just a lack thereof and I’m not a scientist. But just like the rest of the world, we are concerned about its spread and taking reasonable precautions to ensure that we don’t worsen the spread to those with compromised immune systems. We need to try our best to protect each other because we are in this together, even if we aren’t necessarily together 🙂

It’s also pouring for 10 days in LA (what is this, OREGON??) so it seems like a good time to hang out with family, build forts, cook, snuggle and be together. You could call this “social distancing” or just being a homebody – either way here are some ideas of what to watch, cook, play, listen to and do with kids (or grownups) while at home this weekend. And if you want something to read (that you have been asking for) come back tomorrow for my “Why I decided to go back to church, even though ….” post.

But for now, let us recommend to you our favorite at home go tos…

What To Watch

From Jess: I think laughing is very important so I watch a lot of comedy. Taylor Tomlinson’s new comedy special, Quarter Life-Crisis, really did the trick last week. I also know that rewatching shows like Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, etc. just make you feel good. I have probably rewatched both of those shows an unspeakable number of times but I always feel better after an episode or two (or ten). NO SHAME in the rewatching game.

From Emily: Uh, Jess, no one knows the art of “the rewatch” like me. Felicity, Veronica Mars and Sex and the City are my actual friends, and I can’t not watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 days, Devil Wears Prada and The Proposal (wait, and Dirty Dancing, The Notebook , Definitely, Maybe, The Talented Mr. Ripley – I’m a real talent at “the rewatch”).

From Caitlin: Y’all, I LOVE my HBO Now subscription. Catch up on Westworld before season 3 comes out on Sunday. (And also, has anyone else watched Avenue 5??? I can’t tell if I just love the set and costume design or if I actually like the show. I think it’s growing on me though — does anyone else have thoughts? 

From Julie: Sometimes you just need to feel like a child again and Netflix got the hint cause Hook is available and now you know my evening plans.

Also From Julie: Now more than ever I have needed a way to relax. So my sister sent me this yoga video which I have made a part of my morning routine. It’s a good reminder to take a deep breath and get in tune with your body. The video is about 30 mins and easy to follow, so skip the gym and pull out your mat or a towel with me.

From Veronica: My two favorite movie genres are romcoms and Disney movies because what else is there, am I RIGHT? Anywho, here is a list of my favorite movies to watch on a day in! They are heartfelt, funny, emotional and everything you could possibly want to bundle up on your couch or bed! Also, if you have seen these movies multiple times like me, they make for good background noise if you are trying to work 🙂 When Harry Met Sally, Say Anything, Aladdin, The Aristocats, He’s Just Not That Into You, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

From Ryann: My boyfriend and I started watching  The Chef Show a few months ago and I am so happy we did. It is so entertaining but also relaxing, plus I love Jon Favreau and he is a gem in this. It’s a travelogue series with him and Chef Roy Choi (who trained him as he was filming the movie Chef) and all I can say is it is GOOD and heartwarming and probably my favorite cooking show ever.

Also From Ryann: In other more important news, Good Fellas (my favorite movie) is back on Netflix and if you haven’t seen it like most of my coworkers (shame!!) and if you liked the Irishman even a little bit, WATCH IT.

What To Listen To

You may or may not remember we did a HUGE roundup of our favorite podcasts. Regardless we hope it’s a treasure trove of endless entertainment. Now for some new ones…

From Emily – I’m hooked on Monica and Jess (it’s under Armchair Expert if you subscribe to that). And speaking of Dax, the episode with Whitney Cummings was incredible. Their vulnerability is only matched by their confidence and hilarity, and the levity they can bring to any subject keeps you very entertained (plus I learned so much about AA, and ironically I think I might be addicted to talking about podcasts that talk about therapy).

From Caitlin: My new favorite podcast is The Alarmist, where host Rebecca and guests analyze history’s disasters to figure out what went wrong and who is to blame. Episodes range from Mad Cow Disease to the Burr-Hamilton duel to Y2K to the Irish Potato Famine. (My personal, more fun favorites? “HOME ALONE: WHO IS TO BLAME?” and “THE BREAKUP OF BRAD & JENNIFER: WHO IS TO BLAME?”

From Sara: If you’re wanting to cozy up and listen to something real decadent and romantic (but you’re also a Harry Potter nerd), this is my favorite book on Audible right now.

From Ryann: Bachelor nation, I am talking to you. I know this season is over (good riddance!!) BUT we have a lot coming up so please join me and start listening to favorite recap podcast: Bachelor Party.

From Jess: I believe these podcasts have been mentioned before but they deserve a second shoutout. I love love Monica and Jess Love Boys. It’s fascinating and very relatable whether or not you are looking for a relationship. And I also really love Sibling Revelry with Kate and Oliver Hudson. As someone who hasn’t always had an easy sibling relationship, it’s so inspiring to listen to these stories and has made me want to nurture my relationship with my sibling. 

Also From Jess: This sounds silly but I have hands down (wink) regained my love for Dashboard Confessionals. I saw that an old friend of mine when to a concert on her instastories and it made me immediately want to listen. The nostalgia it brings up is the best. So whether it’s Dashboard or some other band you haven’t listened to in years, I promise it will make you feel oddly happy and dare I say, hopeful.

What To Read

I (Emily Henderson) just finished Where the Crawdad’s Sing which I put off reading because it sounded so boring. It’s very much not boring, in fact, it’s good and riveting and I couldn’t put it down. It’s not one of the beloved books written for bored housewives like most of my secret favorite books, so guys, I think I just read lit-er-a-ture again.

From Caitlin: Probably 90% of the books on my shelf are non-fiction, but Daniel Pinkwater is my all-time favorite author and this collection of his books has been a go-to for me for 20 years. It’s fun, escapist and a great read for both kids (I first read it in 4th grade!) and adults (I last read it like, yesterday!). Also, someone on Amazon described it was “Chicken Soup for the Smart Mildly Nerdy Teen’s Soul,” which feels really accurate. 

From Julie: Reese Witherspoon is going to make this book, which is all about the importance of friendship, into a movie and I am so excited. My sister aka my best friend recommended it to me and now I am recommending it to you!

From Ryann: I’ve recommended my favorite book The Secret History before but it’s worth mentioning again. If you haven’t picked up a good book in a while, I implore you to get it, read it, fall in love with it, and then promptly discuss it with me. (Emily loves it too).

From Veronica: I wrote a paper on the book Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers about 3 years ago when I was first experiencing high-stress volumes. It helped me understand how stress affects our everyday lives and acted as a comfort for me knowing that there’s an entire book full of information on the subject.

What To Cook

Before we get into all of our delicious recommendations of new recipes, here are some of our favorite soup recipe posts that people LOVE: How Soup Changed My Life (& Body)…Really | Healthy (and SO Hearty!) Beef and Vegetable Stew | A Vegan Chickpea and Roasted Cauliflower Curry Soup | Fast & Simple Veggie-Packed Vegan Pho | Homemade Bone Broth & Chicken Meatball Veggie Soup

From Emily: I will be cooking all weekend, which I usually do, with chicken stock simmering all night from tonight’s roasted chicken. There was, however, a run on kale and spinach at the grocery store, because when pandemic, LA knows what to hoard. Like all the keto ice cream was gone, which I didn’t know was a thing until I saw it in everyone’s carts along with kombucha. I smirked and laughed until I looked in my own cart and well, I wasn’t much different (I was reaching for the baby kale after-all).

From Mallory: My boyfriend and I are newly obsessed with Alison Roman on the NYT cooking channel. We recently made this creamy cauliflower pasta and HOT DAMN. Oh, and if you are baking, bake these magic bars and your tastebuds will thank you.

Also From Mallory: I know it’s technically almost spring and whatnot but not but this tea is comforting, relaxing, and makes me feel very very cozy.

From Julie: Nothing says comfort food to me like vegetarian chili and this recipe has been around since 1996 so you know it’s a keeper. 

From Sara: This is the coziest, curl up, stay home, and feel better chicken soup I’ve made. (I, Emily feel, that Sara might be forgetting my chicken soup recipe that I always make the team, but game on, Sara – love Emily).

Also From Sara: Hey, if you’re stuck inside for a few days, WHY NOT BAKE? Bon Appetite (my personal religion) has just released a HUGE baking guide – almost like an online baking class, with several recipes to bake in order as you progress in your skills, along with supplemental articles to make you a better baker along the way.

From Ryann: I’ve had this recipe pinned for MONTHS and I believe this weekend is the perfect one to try it out. Nothing says comfort like mushroom risotto right??

What To Wear (To Be Super Comfortable)

From Caitlin: My mom bought me these LL Bean slippers for Christmas after I tried hers on and fell in love with their super soft and squishy footbed.

From Julie: I recently replaced my robe with this one and it’s one of the softest things my hand has ever touched. If I ever feel stressed out I immediately go home and throw it on, instant relaxation.

Speaking of robes, remember this robe review we did? And in that same category, Emily also talked us through her favorite pajama sets.

From Veronica: I am about to introduce you to the BEST blanket to cozy up with. Brought this baby home one weekend and now it’s always a fight to the death between my roommates on who gets to use it when we’re all huddled in front of the TV.

From Mallory: The moment I felt this sweatshirt I knew I had to purchase it.

From Jess: I just bought these joggers and I love them. They are affordable ($20), so comfortable and are a nice break from my black or gray collection. 

What To Do With Kids:

I (Emily) feel like I have talked extensively about what to do with kids to keep them entertained and happy. I’ve even asked you all for advice and ideas and rounded them up to create this sizable list. I also think that scrapbooking is a great activity when you are huddled at home so here is a post where I made “scrapbook” shadow boxes with the kids. But please, don’t forget hide and go seek. We played for an hour and a half recently at the mountain house. Also give them string and tell them to make ninja traps all over the house – it kills hours.

What To Do With Friends (or Partners)

From Sara: We were introduced to this game by Arlyn, and it’s SO fun. We could go for several rounds. And if there’s just two of you, this is mine and Mac’s favorite two-person game.

From Caitlin: THE CRAZY CAT LADY GAME IS THE BEST. Plus, it will not ruin any relationships (a la Monopoly). It’s fun for all ages (and also a great gift for your feline-loving friends, just for future reference!). 

From Ryann: My boyfriend and I are senior citizens and love to play good old fashion dominoes. If you don’t have a set in your home yet, I implore you to get one and start challenging all your guests to play. It’s so fun especially if you are competitive (like me:)).

From Veronica: My roommate swears by the game Phase10 and she is freakishly good at it, and this is the funniest card game where you get to pick your friends’ perfect partners.

We also realize that a lot of people’s jobs and small businesses are being affected so shop small and local when possible. And from one former waitress, I know that industry is being hit right now so if you go out to dinner or drinks and its within your budget, maybe overtip this weekend. Another great idea is to buy gift certificates to the restaurants to use later, but at least supporting them now.

Ok, well that’s it from all of us today. Hope you are excited to dive into some of these recommendations. But most importantly wash those hands, don’t go out if you don’t feel well, try to enjoy this time cozied up and hopefully, the anxiety will diffuse a bit. And as always, thank you so much for continuing to support us. I hope that we can provide some much-needed comfort and design escapism in the coming weeks if you need it (reveals are coming Monday and Tuesday of Sara’s house!!). If you guys have any other suggestions on how to help – both the businesses being affected as well as, well, help in general – please leave in comments. xx